If he says “Cigarettes?”, when you ask if he smokes, then you’re probably on a date with a pot smoker.  Sure, he’s adorably aloof, laughs super-hard at your jokes, and when he reaches for your hand, it’s often an endearingly sweaty one – but now things are happening.  You two are on the brink of being in a relationship, and there are some things you should know about dating a free-spirited pot smoker:

1. Make sure you didn’t get the lazy pot smoker who doesn’t do shit.  You want the I-have-to-smoke-because-I’m-overwhelmed-by-my-brilliance high-functioning stoner who has accepted weed as a part of his lifestyle and can manage accordingly (i.e. has a good job, is ambitious, works out, goes outside).

2.Count on him lasting a long time in the sack because even if he wants to prematurely ejaculate, he won’t because he’ll forget he has to!  Repeat.

3. If you ask him to play with your hair, he’ll do it for a very long time.  You’ll probably have to ask him to stop.

4. You’ll hear enthusiastic outbursts mid-dinner like, “Babe, I almost forgot to tell you!  I did a handstand yesterday!!”

5. Expect unorthodox compliments such as, “That shirt looks good with your face.”

6. He will be two hours late picking you up from the airport because he’s stoned and on the way he decided to “find a new shortcut”.

7. What he lacks in money he makes up for in effort and thought.  He’ll spend an afternoon at the Swap Meet agonizing over what to get; the belt buckle boasting your hometown or the multi-colored dashiki for your birthday.  You’ll love either.

8. Prepare to hear a lot of music like Grateful Dead & Red Hot Chili Peppers.  You guys?  A lot.

9. He will assemble your IKEA dresser for you.  You will go away for this.  He will devise a strategy.  He will have a process.  It won’t get done fast, but it will get done.

10. Learn what a KFC “Double Down” is and why he needs it. (Key: It’s a bacon & cheese burger with two fried chicken patties in place of the bun.)

11. Forget everything you know about giving directions.  Now, instead of telling him to “go right on Main” you’ll say “go right at the really big tree” or “left after the Donut Den.”

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  • BlazinVagrant

    Just not funny at all. This article pigeonholes all marijuana users. To the author: How many people have you known who smoke pot?

    • Dan

      Made me chuckle a bit, the one about enthusiastic mid-dinner burst is so true though XD

    • schoots

      Na i think this is pretty accurate except for the 3rd one. everything else is pretty much perfect. i guess you need better dope budd.

    • Kohaku1984

      I completely agree, I’m not sure if this was supposed to be funny or what. I am an avid pot smoker that holds a real job while going to school, the way you described a male pot user is exactly how someone with A.D.D. or A.D.H.D. acts. We are not like wonder less five year olds that have the attention span of ants.

    • marti :)

      lol. hon, it’s supposed to be funny and it has a lot of truth in it. my bf happens to be a pothead and he does all of these things. don’t get your panties in a knot. the article isn’t about you dear :)

  • stonedrightnow

    I’m betting just the jackass in the picture.

    • O.O

      That’s Obama.

  • dhilkon

    after the first one the rest of the list was bullshit. do you even smoke weed?

  • dailysmoker

    its kind of funny though…made me chuckle!

  • I-have-to-smoke-because-I’m-overwhelmed-by-my-brilliance high-functioning stoner

    So are you talking about the 13 year old down the block stoner who is your A-typical Cheech and Chong. Because that is the only one I hear you describing. The rest of us make you look like the lazy arse. Get out and actually meet some people. Most actual stoners you wouldn’t be able to pinpoint even after interviewing them.

    • T_T

      unless u ask them during the interview whether or not they smoke, o brilliant one.

  • cruciphux

    I smoked weed every day through college. Still became a land surveyor.
    Oh, and my GF is usually exhausted after sex.

    • T_T

      but u still can’t read…

      pur420:
      read it again stoner “COUNT ON HIM LASTING A LONG TIME in the sack

      scroll down TT

      • schoots

        land surveyor hahaha good job budd. how is that land looking.

  • high

    yeah you dont know shit about pot smokers, i dont ever listen to fucking grateful dead or red hot chilli peppers i smoke everyday, all that stuff was just dumbass assumptions.

  • You are dumb

    If you are getting offended by this satirical article, then you are the “dumbass”. I thought this was hilarious.

    • pete

      agreed. good-spirited fun.

    • mik420

      Yeah, really surprised at all the angry stoners on here. It’s a light hearted article, and obviously the context is based on this girl’s boyfriend…I’m a stoner and thought it was funny.

      • T_T

        i kinda agree, it was meant to simply b enjoyed as comedy. but i mean, u gotta admit, some of it’s pretty off lol

        • schoots

          each one except for the hair playing one is pretty accurate. if you high (and your not smoking garbage weed) you will show signs of these. invest in a volcano vaporizer and some bubba kush and prove me wrong.
          ps yay to the real stoners (the happy ones)

  • gavin

    quit being bitches, it’s funny. and if you’re getting offended then you’re probably a pothead

    • T_T

      if ur not a pot head then shut up about pot head shit, bitch.

  • smokerface

    i’m not offended or anything but if you thought it was funny, you obviously don’t smoke weed and are probably around 12 years old.

    • arealstoner

      Im 20 and I smoke everyday and I thought this was funny…stop taking things so seriously and chill.

      • schoots

        yea buddy, smoke dope everyday and enjoy life good or bad

  • Rich Compton

    Yeah right. Well I’m one of these so called ‘high functioning’ stoners – proper job, active lifestyle etc – and I didn’t find any of this remotely .. erm .. ah .. sorry what were we talking about again?

  • Pur420

    Look I smoked pot for 25 years and alot of what was said is true. as for ones girlfriend being exhausted read it again stoner “COUNT ON HIM LASTING A LONG TIME in the sack because even if he wants to prematurely ejaculate, he won’t because he’ll forget he has to!”, this statement is true. Yes I found it funny as hell but also some what of reality check if you will because I am a lazy stoner when I get high I just want to forget the world exsists. Yes people have done what they planned to do or be but without the pot where would you be? that is the question you stoners should ask yourselves HONESTLY.

    • T_T

      the question u should b asking urself is where is ur gf now?

  • mike hunt

    The only people who don’t like this are the bum ass wasteoid stoners who don’t get up off their couch. I love weed. LOVE IT, and this list is spot on. Except the double down. those are a little much…

    • mik420

      Agreed, the Double Down is pretty nasty, even stoned. 20 Piece Chicken Nuggets FTW!

      • T_T

        fuck the double down that shit made me wanna puke

  • noel

    people dont need relationship advice from some random website all this is just opinionated ideas from some randome person *believe half of what you hear and none of what you read*

    • T_T

      soooo no one should listen to you?

  • This Guy

    I’m a “stoner” and I think this article is really funny. I got a kick out of it.

    Yeah a lot of it is BS, but that’s the point, it’s meant to be funny, not give an accurate description of every pot head. Kind of like when people make fun of Conservatives or Liberals.

    Lighten up kids, or smoke something about it, haha.

  • realstoner johnson

    im actually totally like this and a total pothead
    so fuck all you haterz

    • T_T

      ur obviously not a stoner but are clearly a complete fag. stfu. TT

      • schoots

        this tt guy is hilarious, where you from budd? i really feel like you need to chill with a stank-ass-fatty and the area of which you reside may effect the quality of weed you have been smoking.

  • fgdgfd

    fuck you in so many ways
    stereotypes are funny lol.

  • fgdgfd

    i snort fucking meth and i thought this article was hilarious. now im gonna stab/

    • T_T

      :\

  • fgdgfd

    fuck anyone who looks at this article.

    • T_T

      lol xD

  • Andy

    Lol this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever read. Clearly this person doesn’t know anything about pot smokers

  • DMerc

    why can’t you people just laugh at it lol… i’m a smoker too and even though they don’t all apply to me, it’s still pretty fucking funny

  • jimmy cho

    chill out not eveything is to be taken seriously, its a joke

    • T_T

      TROOF

      • T_T

        ….but if this were all lolz n compliments it would b no fun for me >:]

  • bluechessin

    All you people saying this guy doesnt know shit about pot smokers and shit are a bunch of weeners.

  • anonymous

    hey to all of the angry butthurt pot smokers crying over this article, i’d just like to say that you guys are smoking for all of the wrong reasons if you feel the need to bitch about a humorous article, crying for attention because you all just sound like a bunch of kids

    tl;dr
    im a teenager who has to call out grown adults out for taking life too seriously

  • http://www.yournewbadhabit.blogspot.com Denny DelVecchio

    Occupy this article.

  • http://www.brucebanner.net Bruce Banner

    I was a bit disappointed by this article. At least, I’m one of those high functioning stoners. Smoking pot prevents me from getting angry at the stupidity of others.

  • Patrick Bateman

    What to expect when you date a needy, annoying girl: she will post an annoying, generalizing article.

  • Lolita

    Sounds like someone got the belt buckle when they really wanted the dashiki!

  • mike

    Man I’m one of those high functioning stoners. I’m sober now but I found this fucking hilarious, some of you guys need to chill. call yourself stoners relax for fucks sake.

  • Rupert

    terrible

  • koda

    My boyfriend to a tee… in fact, he’s the one who laughed and made me read this.. lol

  • no

    Nonsense. All of it.

  • fvkyou

    omg my boyfriend is one of those high functioning stoners who prematurly masterbate and cant spell shyt right and he laughs all the time at all of you and will come eat all your nacho cheese dorritos and drink all you mountain dew after he burns a hole through the atmoistfear with his super bad breath because he hasnt brushed his teeth in a while cause l wont have sex with him suck it

  • http://uninspiredbythefreakshow.wordpress.com/ Lindsey

    I think that you smoke pot and wrote this

  • danesauce

    I actually thought I might be offended, but some of these are really true, though, XD
    (keyword: SOME)

  • Dorkalthis

    The fact that there are so many of you acclaimed stoners getting angry at this article really makes me wonder whether or not you actually smoke weed. I don’t know about you but I find it a relaxing experience, one in which everything is in proportion to how it needs to be.
    Sit down, toke up, read it again and chill out, everything will be peachy, promise.

  • Dogg

    What?

  • jordan

    true as a mother fucker

  • snickclick

    haha, soo true

  • Kizzle

    What? Do you know ANY pot smokers? Also, my sober friends do these things…that’s sort of worse, pfffft.

  • Slightly Annoyed

    Spoken like an oblivious idiot.. You should really do some research into “pot culture” before you try to tell people how smokers act. I for one am 100% reliable and not a complete retard like the stoner you depicted. This article stinks of generalizations and ignorance.

    • GotItTogether

      I will have to agree I too am 100% reliable, more creative, have a brighter look at an other wise rude and hurried world. Have been a medical professional for 30 years with repeated high demand. Don’t generalize what you have no clue about. Outlaw liquor, drunk drivers kill.

  • cam

    not sure if this was supposed to be more endearing or belittling of pot smokers.

  • GotItTogether

    Anyone out there know a good dating site for pot smokers..it will be totally legalized across America in my lifetime. Finally getting a few rights back. But their taxing that too. So how can it be illegal if it’s taxed ?

  • Eyeswideopen

    Hah! This s so true! Great article.

  • Mary

    Sounds just like my stupid stoner bf :/

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