So, chances are you’re like me and despise everyone. You hate the impossibly old woman behind you in the coffee line filling you in on her super gifted grandson, your cab driver talking about his struggle in his motherland and the guy lingering beside your treadmill at the gym. I’ve composed my own small talk [...]
The subway (or tube, or T, or whatever the hell you call it) is a world unto itself. One must play by a different set of rules down there, and whatever skills you’ve acquired above ground do not apply in this labyrinth. Thus you must learn a whole new set of moves, a few of [...]
If you’re anything like me, you spend a lot of time thinking about celebrities and who they’re dating, or who they used to date, or who they should be dating. And if you’re even more like me, you don’t stop at real people, but rather extend these same thoughts to fictional characters. In fact, I’ve [...]
Aries: it’s a shame you’re so vain because Venus is going to go retro from May 15-June 27, making you wonder why you have so many damn clouds in your cup of shitty coffee. Since Venus rules all things romantic, take note that you have until May 15 to get it on with your S.O./ [...]
1. “THE WHOLE TIME?” – Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) If you’re anything like me, you have a pasta sauce stain on the right sleeve of your shirt. You also have seen the movie “Mrs. Doubtfire” more times than you have brushed your teeth. That’s absolutely disgusting and the fact that you continued reading up until this [...]
On the latest episode of HBO’s “Girls,” Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet) is watching TV with a male friend who tells her she can “touch it” if she wants, “it” referring to his visibly erect member. While most of us would probably choose to lean in with an awkwardly timed and poorly aimed kiss, for some, words speak louder than [...]
(IMPORTANT: DO NOT SUBSTITUTE FOR ANY OTHER ALBUM.) Jack White, of the former White Stripes, recorded a music record recently. I’m pretty sure he even used some instruments to do so, i.e. guitars and drums – NOT MARCAS THOUGH! – but this is unconfirmed. White calls this album Blunderbuss. Being a big fan of Jack [...]
Antique collector searching for ’57 Chevy with 2 full headlights & nice trunk space. No fatties. 10 speed bike for sale. Only used twice, some rust. Ask for Fred. You: Drunk at the Thirsty Beaver Saloon, cross-eyed w/ buck teeth. Me: Drunk at the Thirsty Beaver Saloon, willing to fuck anything. Career Opportunity: Do you [...]
Dear In-The-Dorm Me, Yo. Some stuff, dudette. We need to talk about some stuff. You are completely unprepared for dorm life. You need some serious pointers. You need to take off the headphones, put down the beer bong and read this carefully. One, your R.A. is not your friend. So, don’t fall down the stairs carrying a [...]
I had to be scanned for terrorism before I could board the airplane. Terrorists don’t like to be looked at, so we have people in blue suits look at them mistrustfully. Terrorists are bashful, so we designed machines to make them nude. Terrorists really hate to be searched for explosives, so we have bored people [...]
I recently watched a video of Jon Hamm talking and experienced a eureka moment: I immediately knew that I had a crush on him. This doesn’t happen often because my only two current man crushes are Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman. I was perfectly content with just those two fine gentleman, and adding a third [...]
So, you have a boyfriend or girlfriend! How wonderful for you. Do you guys finish each other’s sentences? Text each other smiley faces for no reason? Post sepia-toned couple pics on Facebook? Aw. I bet you guys also share a bed sometimes too, huh? Sorry to hear that. Even when I’m one of those sad, [...]
