The Importance Of A Good O-Face (That’s O For Orgasm, Friends)

The number one reason why all men and women should videotape themselves during sex is to find out how their faces look.

I’m not kidding. If you haven’t a clue what your orgasm face looks like, go do yourself a favour right now, and tape yourself masturbating. The result may shock you.

I mean, have you ever watched a porn video, where everything’s good — the chick’s got a nice body, the dude doesn’t gross you out — then BAM! They have intercourse and out pops the bad fuck face? Even the most attractive people can instantly transform into ogres.

It ruins everything.

I very recently hooked up with a preppy man. I hold prepsters in very high regards. Even so, the sex was so bad, I couldn’t even bring myself to write about it afterward. Until now, that is.

First of all, preppy man was all insecure without his preppy clothes. He was one of those skinny types who layered himself with three shirts and a sweater to create the illusion of bulk. Unclothing him was like ripping off the bandages of a mummy.

Preppy man was so skinny, his hip bones stuck out and his chest looked concave. Fucking him was like fucking a cluster of hangers.

The few times I felt any pleasure at all, I let out a soft moan. He would stop all action and ask, “What?”

But the worst part, though, was his fuck face. As he grunted with his mouth opened, his eyes cinched, all I could think of was the sumo wrestler Honda from the video game Street Fighters.

It’s fucked up that a skinny white male would evoke memories of an obese Japanese cartoon character from 1994. But it did, and the experience was so traumatic, I don’t think I can play Street Fighters again. So what the hell am I going to do on Friday nights now?

So consider this a public service announcement. If you have a bad fuck face, correct it immediately unless you want to scar your lovers forever.