Aquarius: there’s a chance—a slight chance—that your relationship with your SO will be flushed down the toilet this month if you aren’t “in it to win it.”  Communicate your heart out and all will be spared just in time to have Cupid hit you in the ass—lovingly, of course.  With Aries boldly entering Venus on February 8 and humming along until March 5, you have great aspects for love, passion, and fun.  If you are a couple, look for someone to put a ring on your finger during Hallmark’s holiday of love.  If you are single, tell your boss you will take that work trip.  Love can be found in an airport, hotel bar, or conference trade show—all expenses reimbursed.

Pisces: you should feel the need, the need, for speed.  Venus will be lodged in Pisces until February 7, driving up your sexy and sultry factor, especially if you are single.  Even though red hot Aries takes over Venus as of February 8, you will still have some sweet, sweet lovin’ on Valentine’s Day.  You could be discussing marriage, or engagements, and most definitely, romance.  Re-commit to your current partner, or commit yourself to the social circuit.  Glam it up, dear Pisces.  It’s time to wow them all.

Aries: all work and no play is not what you want me to say.  It’s time for a lil’ somethin’ somethin’ to come your way and spice up your life, darling Aries.  With Venus gliding into your sign on February 7, your love meter is about to burst through the roof.  Circle February 9 in red—your  favorite color—and strap yourself in.  Someone VERY exciting is about to pummel through the walls around your heart and send them crashing down.  Ring the alarm!  Attached?  Now is the time to make promises and commitments that last.  All you need to do is tell them that you love them and tell them that you care.

Taurus: love is blind, and if you are single, you could meet The One through a blind date.  Tell your friends, tell your Congressman, tell the preacher—you are ready to be set up.  Your date could end up going so well that you may need to name your first born child after your matchmaker.  Hint: the best night for this date with destiny is February 9.  But never fear if you miss the mark, you lazy bull—the end of the month will also bring romance and fun.  So grab some erotic toys, an assortment of oils or food for foreplay, and buy some sexy lingerie for a trip out of town with your honey.  Speaking of honey…

Gemini: you’ve got to know it…you can’t hold it…but you know it’s here, there, and everywhere…it’s electric (boogie woogie woogie).  Actually, dear Gem, YOU are electric this month.  With Venus entering fiery Aries on February 8 in your social house, go out with your friends and be the belle of the ball.  If you’re attached, expect your lover to make this a Valentine’s Day you won’t soon forget.  Single?  Just wait…this month is hot, hot, HOT and ripe, ripe, RIPE for you to meet that sexy, special someone.

Cancer: ain’t no sunshine when it rains, dear Crab.  Sorry to say, but Cupid’s arrow may miss its mark with you this holiday month.  Whether you will end up being tied up professionally, or your partner will be unexpectedly tied up with business or some other complication, the only thing I can guarantee is that YOU won’t be tied up to the bed—in a mutually consensual fun and sexy manner, of course—this Valentine’s Day.  But here’s the light at the end of your shell’s tunnel: the end of the month will be looking up, and NEXT month, the stars and planets will be shining down on you and sending you some romantic luck!

Leo: the recent past has not been so kind to you in the romance department, has it?  Your royal mane has been ruffled for the last time.  Here’s the good news: fate is coming to help you.  If you are on the prowl for someone new, expect to meet them in the most unexpected of ways: walking down the street, signing up for a sex addicts course, waiting in line at the DMV—you get the gist.  If you already roam the Earth with your mate, then take the time to show them how much you care.  Write it down, spell it out in the sky, yell it from a rooftop. Hint: jewelry or marathon sex will also do the trick.

Virgo: oh baby, are things getting interesting for you.  Your marriage is hitting a life-changing turning point this month, so if all is coasting along smoothly, then expect to be expecting, or, if you aren’t married yet, prepare to scrap the wedding plans and elope.  Be sure to reserve the honeymoon suite at the hotel—the one with the heart shaped, vibrating bed that rocks it out to Elvis—you won’t be leaving it for the duration of your visit.

Libra: you can score your own touchdown this month, dear Libra, if you want to.  Tip your sexual scales in favor of going out, especially in the first two weeks of February, and prepare to dazzle and sprinkle seeds of desire everywhere you go.  If single, you go get your (wo)man.  If attached, show Cupid who the real Casanova is and trade up the arrow for something a bit naughtier in bed.

Scorpio: with Pisces in Venus during the first week of February, your imagination and powers of seduction are more daring, sensual, and risqué than an NC-17 movie.  And even though Pisces will swim away after the 7^th of February, you refuse to let go of the powers you have amassed.  You will ride your way through February and leave your lover, partner, or date trembling for more.  Show them who is in control, and show them no mercy.  Special advice: control can best be attained during an out of town rendezvous.  Blindfold your object of desire and take them somewhere new to heighten their senses.

Sagittarius: all that glitters is gold this month, dear Sag.  But it’s time to spruce yourself up, first.  Buy some new clothes, makeup, perfume, jewelry, and shoes.  Mission: to sex it up.  Hint: you will accomplish it.  Your admiring fans will approve of your new look and handcuff you to their side (or their bed).  If you’re lucky, those handcuffs will be plated in gold or studded with diamonds to match your ring finger.

]]> http://theimpersonals.com/loveinthedumps/february-whoreascopes/feed/ 0 http://theimpersonals.com/loveinthedumps/how-to-get-away-with-dating-multiple-people-at-once/ http://theimpersonals.com/loveinthedumps/how-to-get-away-with-dating-multiple-people-at-once/#comments Thu, 02 Feb 2012 15:47:47 +0000 Erica Meneses http://theimpersonals.com/?post_type=loveinthedumps&p=7983 For some reason unbeknownst to everyone, you’ve found yourself swimming in the opposite sex lately. The internet dating business is booming and you can’t even open your computer without getting flooded with opportunities. What’s your next move? Pick one of these potential suitors and hope it was the right decision? NO, absolutely not. Don’t settle just yet. You’ll be doing that for the rest of your life. With the right amount of tact, the least amount of morals, and these integral guidelines from me, you’ll be double dipping until your heart’s content.

They should all have the same color hair:  People shed, especially those with long hair. If movies have taught me anything, some girl will always look in the drain and find hairs to investigate. (Is this a normal practice? Because GOOD GOD if it is.) Let’s say you manage to find a girl not quite that crazy, she’ll still “happen to find” stray hairs in your car. Too bad for your junior crime scene investigator, her hair color is the exact same as all other chicks passing through these parts. Now, instead of using this evidence to crucify you, she’ll probably keep it, frame it, and put it in a scrapbook riddled with pictures of you sleeping. The page with the lock of hair will inevitably be titled: “The first day I found out he loved me.”

Make sure their names are EXTREMELY similar (or at least start with the same letter):  Rotate women according to how similar their names are. This week you’ll only be concerned with Christy, Crissy, and Cassie. (Coincidentally, they’re all exotic dancers in this scenario.) That way when they start noticing you’ve been calling them “baby” a little too much lately, you can say, “Come on, C! You know you’re my one and only!”

For those who think it’ll be too hard to find such a specific batch of women on such short notice, do me a favor and look in your phone. I’ll pay you good money if you don’t already have multiple girls under the name Ashley.

Always use the same pet name for every potential mate you meet: Choose something like Pooh Bear, since it’s less widely used than baby or honey. Your man would be crazy to suspect you’d call anyone else such a stupid term. In fact, he’ll question why you have the balls to even call him that.  Sure, he’ll try to break up with you multiple times daily, but he’ll NEVER catch on to the fact that there are at least twenty-five other Pooh Bears on the Upper East Side alone.

Make sure to tell all possible mates that you are Jehovah’s Witness:   You’ll never have to celebrate his birthday. You’ll never have to invite him to yours. No presents will ever be bought. No holidays will be celebrated. You will have to remember about as much as a goldfish does. To top it all off, now you have an excuse as to why you’re always riding around in a suit on that damn bike (or at least a better excuse than being a hipster).

Make sure to never learn anything specific about ANY one of them: You can’t take those kinds of chances.  You couldn’t possibly remember every random girl’s favorite drink and I couldn’t possibly blame you. I bet you start zoning out right after they introduce themselves. (I know I do.) Make your life easier. Don’t ever mention specific things like, “You ALWAYS giggle when I tickle you!” Not all women are ticklish. In fact, most of them are not. They’re probably just giggling because they think it’ll get them laid. (And if we’re being honest here, it probably will.) Listen up, Don Draper. Keep your interactions minimal. Just look mysterious and be silent, almost to the point of being comatose.

Bonus points if you actually do slip into a coma. Movies tell me this is extremely romantic.

Put down the beer bong and listen to me.  In a couple of days you will go to a party at your jackass boyfriend’s apartment.  You’ll get drunk, you’ll play video games, and you’ll help to make a bong out of fishbowls and tubes.  You’ll wear cut-off jorts with your Doc Martens.  (Side note:  Don’t wear that.)  You’ll have a great time.

That is until you walk into his room to use his bathroom and find him kissing a blonde chick who you find incredibly annoying.  Listen to me.  Up until this moment of your life, you’ve always considered yourself a tough chick.  You’re cool.  You’re scrappy.  You don’t take any shit from anyone.  But, listen to how you’re about to handle this shit:  You’ll run away.  You’ll run out of his room, through the party, down the stairs and out to the parking lot.  You’ll stand there shaking and fuming and realizing you can’t drive away because you’re drunk and high.  Plus,  your purse and car keys are upstairs.

You will eventually be forced to go back up there.  You will end up locked in his room with him, screaming like a crazy person.  You will dramatically throw a rose he gave you at his face.  (REALLY, DORKVOMIT?  THAT’S YOUR BIG MOVE?!)  His excuse will be (ARE YOU READY FOR THIS SHIZIT?) that he was coming out of the bathroom and that she kind-of attacked/cornered him and he was just figuring it out and was about to stop her when you walked in.  Idiotic excuse, right?  Even for a college dude.  But, here’s the clincher:  you’ll fall for it.

So, here’s what you’re going to do instead of being pathetic.  Take your beer with you to the bathroom at that party.  (I know, gross.  But, wait!) When you see them kissing, pour it over both of them, making sure to get a lot of dark bock all over that blonde hair.  Walk out.  Get your purse and ask someone who isn’t drunk and sad to take you home.  Never talk to him or the annoying girl ever again.  You have no idea how much heartache this will save you in the upcoming years.  You have no idea how many of these letters you will save future you from having to write.   I mean, this is getting kind of sad.

BREAK UP WITH THAT STUPID MEAN COCKY JERKFACE NOW!

I think that’s pretty clear.  Have fun, be careful, and remember that beer bottle can be used as a weapon if Blondie goes all agro over her hair.

xoxo,

Older Better You Who Would Never Run Away From Anything Except Maybe From Mice Because Ick

P.S.  Don’t take fencing.  Those masks smell like ball sacks and sadness.

You walk pelvis first to the Genius Bar, and yet another electric blue outfitted iPad slut checks you in and tells you to linger. And linger you do. You glance around. Sure, the customers might be interesting, but it’s the pasty, never done a pull-up in my life hotties behind the bar that you want. They can help you. Your startup disk is full? They can alleviate that pressure. You’re experiencing what’s known as a hard freeze? Just saddle up and whip out your laptop. They know what to do.

Unless you’re lucky enough to be “one of them” there are a few things you might try to grease the situation and get these geniuses naked. There really is something sexy about a human being who can so smoothly say, “Okay if I access your serial number?” God yes, access that shit right NOW! At least one of these tried and tested rules will have you dry humping on a pile of discarded MacBooks in no time – you heard it here first.

• Get a temporary tattoo: Lots of Genius Bar employees have tats, usually of some math formula or unknown planet or whatever. So a good trick is get a (temporary) tattoo of something like the double helix or a complex algorithm or whatever. It’ll impress the dirty nerdy Levis right off of them.

• Fool with another gadget: While they’re cleaning your cache, slide your iPhone out and start tapping away at something. Who cares what, you could be texting your Granny in Des Moines, just fiddle with something electronic beside them and they’ll get jealous.

• Fake a cold: You’ll need supplies for this one- Kleenex, nasal spray, Neti Pot. Talk fluey – Genius Bar hotties LOVE a slut high on Mucinex. Blow your nose even if you’re healthy as Gwyneth “yoga” Paltrow. If you’re really desperate, just threaten to use your Neti Pot right there on the counter. Works every time.

Telling lies is the only way you’re going to get ANYWHERE in life, and I’m here to help you in that department.  Here are a few stories you pathetic online daters can use to make yourself look like less of a waste of existence when asked about how you met your soulmate.

1. I was on a flight to Japan for business reasons, but mostly because I’m the man.  She was the flight attendant.  She approached me and informed me I was so stunningly attractive that she had to have sex with me in the airplane restroom, that instant.  We knocked boots.  Sparks flew.   I was the best she ever had, blah, blah, blah, next thing you know it was love.
2. I was saving a bunch of orphans from a fire, again!  She happened to be walking by as I boldly brought ten latino kids to safety.  She knew I held the “heroic” quality she was looking for in a man.
3. The bros and I were playing some ultimate Frisbee.  She wanted to join the game but everyone laughed because she was a girl.  I decided to be the nice guy and let her play.  She saw my kindness.  I saw that thick booty.  BOOM….love.
4. We were both in the audience at a semi-pro wrestling match.  One of the wrestlers was making sexual comments and provocative gestures towards her.  I stood up and said, “Hey buddy, you better treat this woman with some respect or I’ll clean your clock!”  Long story short, I kicked the dude’s ass and she and I became an item.
5. I was banging her less attractive cousin, Andrea.  Andrea was having a pool party and she was there.  She was looking fine, so I told Andrea that her and her one-piece suit could take a hike.  When Andrea left to go hiking, she and I began talking and really hit it off.
6. We met in Best Buy when we simultaneously reached for the Clay Aiken Greatest Hits album.  It was love.
7. I was taking the Harley for a joyride and smoking a ‘Port.  I saw a lonely hitchhiker on the side of the interstate.  She had bangs, but I looked past that and could tell she was kind of cute.  I politely offered her a ride by saying, “Hop on, bitch!”  Girls just can’t resist a bad boy.
8. We took a Yoga class together.  She had flexibility issues so I told her to come by my place after for some “practice.”  “Practice” was actually sex in this reference.  She picked up on that and of course couldn’t resist the offer.
9. It was just your average dinner, alone, at Denny’s.  All peace was abruptly ended when a woman began choking on a piece of ham.  I rushed over and gave her the Heimlich.  She was so grateful for me saving her life that she let me give her the Heimlich again later, if you catch my drift. Do you catch my drift?  I porked her.
10. She was sitting a pew over from me in church one morning.  I farted during the Lord’s Prayer.  I’m talking “ripped my pants”, Taco Bell-type fart here.  She laughed, winked at me, and then seductively licked her lips.  It was weird but kind of hot.  After mass she touched my shoulder and whispered into my ear, “I like your style, fart boy.”  I was actually quite frightened so I asked her on a date in case she was going to murder me.  Turns out we were meant to be.
11. We had competing lemonade stands across the street from each other.  We decided to team up for business reasons, and because I threatened to destroy her stand and face with a bat.  We built quite a bond through squeezing lemons and harassing children for money.
12. She was walking her dog, and he pooped on my property.  I took out my crossbow and aimed it right between that idiotic miniature poodle’s eyes.  She started crying and was all like, “Please! Don’t do it!”  So I didn’t kill her dog, and I guess women like that.
13. We were on a cruise around the Gulf.  There was a fat Persian guy standing on the deck, bragging about his gold chains and prostitutes.  She and I began conversing about how much we hated this guy, and she bet that I wouldn’t push him over the railing.  Of course, I did it and we laughed hysterically as he drowned.  We found that mutual sense of humor and disgust for Persians which we had been searching for.
14. I was at the carnival and I overheard some girl bitching about how badly she wanted the giant panda. I, of course, had to be the hero and help this lady get that enormous panda.  But those rings didn’t want to stay on those bottles.  Luckily I had my pocketknife on me.  I got the panda for free, the girl of my dreams, AND I got to witness an old man soil himself.
15. We were both chaperoning our niece and nephew’s prom, respectively.  All the kids were rubbing up against each other and calling it dancing.  I asked her if she wanted to help me show these kids how to really get down on the dance floor.  Next thing you know, we were bumping uglies on the floor of a high school gymnasium  All the kids left screaming, which left us with a really romantic atmosphere.

I hate malls and do most of my shopping at Winners (the Canadian TJ Maxx) after the gym when I’m all disgusting and irritable on the weekend.  In my eyes, it’s the only way to make a decision because if I can’t wiggle my sweaty legs into neon leggings, I can’t buy them.

I usually roll into work wearing one of my three thousand cardigans, jeans or leggings and seasonable footwear:

• Summer & Spring: flip flops
• Fall: moccasins
• Winter: boots -until I change into my office moccasins which I call Officans©®™*)

*I would never call them officans in public

Here’s a collection of  my Officans©®™ worst offenders this season:

Left to right
Nordic Know-It-All, A for Effort, Flood Pant Surprise, Wizard Casual and Ugh

I know what you’re thinking: “You’re the poor man’s Anna Wintour!” or “Are you a Peruvian cave dweller?” or “Can you send me more shots of your ankles? My email is coolguyjeremy6969@hotmail.com xo”  You’re all very sweet but I’ve always dressed like an Asian teenager.  I’ve always assumed that no one looks at my feet because no one has ONCE complimented my socks.

I went through some of my photographed evidence outfits of last year and have listed them with a description. Let me “looks” guide you:

The Hamburglar’s Apprentice
This is an outfit I remember well because it is very tight so you’re kind of like a little sausage and everyone thinks you’re about to rob them WHICH IS BENEFICIAL if you work in an unsavory area.

The Accidental Flood Pant
This was the worst ever but you can only pull is off if you have delicate ankles. I wore boots in and forgot that I usually wear my Officans©®™ in the office.  So instead of clunking around in my boots I decided to just rock it.  Also, no compliments on my socks for this one, either.

The End of Romance Cardigan
Ah, this is one of my favourite cardigans. It has crazy buttons, it’s three-quarter length (because everyone hates hot arms, right?) and if you look closely -there is a lady holding a cat and kissing it on the mouth.

Shark Week
I put this here in memoriam because it currently has two large coffee stains on it and can no longer wear it.

So how can you a twenty something dress like a respectable human in the workplace? I’ve got some pointers:

• Dye your hair some bizarre shade of red or purple. That way everyone’s eyes are drawn to the top of your head and your outfit can be party-party-party!
• Get yourself a pair of Officans©®™ and let your colours show through your socks
• Gain a shitload of weight. Does anyone pay attention to what the 600 pound lady is wearing?
• Accessorize with meat! (works well with The Hamburglar’s Apprentice and Shark Week)
  

]]> http://theimpersonals.com/loveinthedumps/how-to-dress-like-an-asshole-at-work-and-get-away-with-it/feed/ 0 http://theimpersonals.com/loveinthedumps/10-thoughts-that-go-through-your-mind-on-a-bad-date/ http://theimpersonals.com/loveinthedumps/10-thoughts-that-go-through-your-mind-on-a-bad-date/#comments Mon, 30 Jan 2012 15:00:21 +0000 Matt Brand http://loveinthedumps.com/?p=1439 Ah, bad dates. Time slows to a crawl, the drinks seem never to deplete, and the world stops turning. It is, in most ways, the worst kind of hell. Single Girl Blogging captured the essence of it with this story, and below we dig deep into the psyche with actual thoughts that go through your mind:

1. “Christ, I really am going to be single forever.”
2. “Please God, please don’t let anyone I know see us. Please please please please.”
3. “If I could just replace this turd with the hot bartender, everything would be hunky dory.”
4. “I’m way too hot for him/her.”
5. “Is this what it takes to have a baby by 33?”
6. “If he/she was 30% cuter, 10% less annoying, 5% more interesting and 13% more stylish, I would be in a lot less pain.”
7. “God those chicken wings look good.”
8. “Missing at this very moment: 30 Rock, Kardashians, the Mets vs the Pirates, and Anderson Cooper. Fuck.”
9. “No no no! I’ll never settle.”
10. “Sigh. Fine, I’ll settle.” *

*thought results in marriage 83% of the time

More accurately, I’m a prostitute for ice cream. If someone tried to barter sex with ice cream, I’d hesitate. There would be no “What the fuck?” exclamation or immediate look of disgust and/or constipation. It’d be more of a “This guy gets me.”/ “Did I just meet my soul mate?”/ ”I’m about to have sex with you.” look.

It’s sad really. I’d have sex in exchange for some Tasti D-Lite. To be quite honest, Tasti D-Lite is legal tender in my world.

And if you don’t know what Tasti D-Lite is, get out of my face. Get on Google maps, find the nearest one, buy a pint, come back to my face, and spoon feed me the whole pint. Then we’ll have sex. I may be a little gassy though. Dairy products always make me gassy.

My top favorite places in NYC are Tasti D-Lite, 16 Handles, Serendipity (terrible movie, fucking awesome ice-cream) and McDonald’s. I don’t care if McDonald’s is everywhere in the world; their ice cream is like crack. And for that I will always be indebted to Ronald McDonald, you brilliant, brilliant clown.

I wish we could do more things with ice cream. I wish we could snort it, inject it into our veins, use it as shampoo/body wash/lotion. I’m pretty sure ice cream is the elixir of life. I’m also pretty sure a pint of Ben and Jerry’s would end the war on terror. What if bullets were made out of ice cream?! Dear god, why hasn’t anyone thought of this before?

I’m an ice-cream slut.

And we’re back for another week! It was an excessively eventful week that was filled to the brim with broken engagements, feuds, pregnancies, and people being admitted to the hospital. Or, as the Kardashians call it – Wednesday.

Speaking of the Kardashians, I still haven’t heard news as to whether Khloe, O.J Simpson and Maury Povich will be sitting down for a paternity show to determine if O.J “I totally did it” Simpson is the father of the purebred sasquatch. So, I’m kind of cranky. Let’s just get into what happened this week!

- KFed was rushed to the hospital after showing signs of heart distress earlier this week. But you should have seen his brain distress when he tried to figure out what to write under ‘occupation’ on his intake forms!

- In an interview, Tim Gunn revealed that he hasn’t had sex in 29 years. 29 years? That’s a Dakota AND an Elle Fanning!

- When asked where she keeps her Oscar, Charlize Theron answered that she sleeps with it. She then got a call from Tim Gunn asking if he could borrow it.

- Seal and Heidi Klum have decided to divorce. This is how she told him she wanted to end their 7-year marriage:

Seal walked into the kitchen and to his surprise there was his wife Heidi Klum, international supermodel and host of Project Runway, cuddling on the floor with a cute baby seal. When Heidi saw him, she stood up, and revealed the club she had hidden behind her back. The happy face Seal (the person) had turned to one of terror. Heidi began clubbing the seal (the animal) to death! She shrieked, “This is a metaphor! A METAPHOR OF OUR MARRIAGE AND SUBSEQUENT DIVORCE!” Seal began to cry. This incident would leave him scarred for life.

- This week Disneyland announced that it has loosened up it’s legendary dress code and has decided to allow employees to grow beards. Still not allowed, gay men and their beards.

- This photo of Miley Cyrus and a big black dick cake, taken at her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth‘s birthday party, leaked earlier this week. It’s rumoured that three seconds after this photo was snapped, Kim Kardashian came out of nowhere, punched Miley in the face, jumped onto the cake, began shoving bits of cake down her throat and gyrating into the black cock cake. When astonished partygoers tried to pull Kim off the flattened cake, she kept screaming “REGGGGGGGIE” and smearing the cake remnants on herself.

- A pregnant Hillary Duff is supposedly back in the studio to record new music. Geeze. At this point, I’d rather listen to the sounds of her giving birth than hear new music from Lizzie McGuire.

- Steven Tyler butchered the National Anthem when he sang it at a football game last weekend. It was the worst national anthem sung by a screeching woman since Roseanne.

- Michelle Obama eats tacos. Even though she’s the First Lady, am I allowed to make a fish taco joke? No? Okay, carry on, then.

- Michael Cera has grown a mustache. Because if there’s any way to have audiences stop thinking of you as a sensitive, effeminate, whispering man-child, it’s by growing a patchy, small mustache.

- Liam Neeson is converting to Islam, which is making your racist grandmother super confused.

- Armie Hammer was arrested for pot possession. He spent a day in jail before paying $1000 in bail. He had three medicinal marijuana cookies and one pot brownie, otherwise known as a Stoner’s Dozen.

- It has been reported that Kris Humphries has left his high-profile PR team. Or rather, they decided to leave him after 72 days, completely blindside and humiliate him, and leave him to cry alone. Oh, and capture it all on tape and broadcast it on the E! network.

- I present this next news item with no joke and no commentary because it’s actually really funny on its own. Also, I can’t stop thinking of Joan Rivers as Godzilla and Chelsea Handler as Japanese buildings.

This week the relationship between Joan Rivers and Chelsea Handler erupted in flames as the two are now feuding. Chelsea Handler said in an interview on Howard Stern when asked about a feud with Joan Rivers, “Joan Rivers? What the fuck do I care about Joan Rivers? I don’t think about her ever.” And then Joan Rivers said ““Number one, the girl made it on her back fucking the president, we all know that, of the network. Number two, she’s fine, she’s ordinary. She’s not a genius,” Joan told Howard, referring to Chelsea’s past relationship with E! President Ted Harbert. “She’s an ordinary girl that was fucking somebody high up in the industry and they gave her a break and she’s doing okay. Whatever she is, she’s a drunk. I don’t wish her good luck, I don’t wish her bad luck,” Joan said. “I don’t think she’s particularly funny. But don’t you come after me, you whore!”

- The Bachelor is coming to Canada. Contestants will have to try and win the heart of the Bachelor through igloo-building, dogsled races, and ‘Who can apologize the most?’ competitions.

- Former Sex and the City star,   angered the gay community earlier this week when she announced that, for her, being gay was a choice. She said, “I’ve been straight, and I’ve been gay. And gay is better.” She continued, “They tried to get me to change it because they said that it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice.” You know, when I first read about this I was angry and my initial response was “OMG, WHAT A MIRANDA!” But then I thought about it some more. She’s a human being and people make a lot of choices. Some are good. And some are not quite so good. Cynthia Nixon made the choice to fall in love with child Danny Bonaduce and to star in Sex and the City 2. Maybe she should give up decisions.

Crazy week, eh?

We’re right into the thick of Awards Season now. Expect celebrities that are up for the golden statues to start releasing extremely personal details of their lives in interviews. It’s called campaigning and this what they’re good at.

The Oscar nominations were released this week and it was the usual Paint-By-The-Numbers: Oscar Nominations. Don’t forget to tune in on February 26th for movies about white people helping black people, anal rape, British bitches, cloying 9/11 movies, and horses! Hey, maybe this telecast will be kind of fun, after all.

And of course, the SAG awards are this weekend so tune in next week for a fashion rundown!

This is it for me. I’m the Pop Culture Psycho – and you’re not.