steely

Dating Advice From: Steely Dan

by Donald Fagen | 31st October | Advice | leave a comment

A series in which famous bands and musicians answer reader’s questions and give advice using lyrics from their songs. What songs are referenced? Put it in the comments. Send your questions here, along with the band/musician you’d like to have answer it.

Dear Steely Dan,
I’ve gone out with this girl like, 5 times. Expensive dinners, shows, the works. We get along, but I get barely a kiss in return. Modern dating rules dictates that significant sexual action should occur by the 3rd date. What gives? And more importantly, WHAT WOULD STEELY DAN DO?
– Bonerless in Brooklyn

Dear Bonerless,
You are younger than you realize. ’Significant sexual action’ by the third date is more a guideline than a rule but ‘barely a kiss’ after 5 dates? That’s a royal scam. Your experience has proven that despite the expensive dinners, you can’t buy a thrill. Donald suggests one last try of an intimate meal at home. If fellatio is not offered after pulling out all the stops, shutter to think how infrequent it will be down the line. Throw back the little ones and pan fry the big ones.
Donald Fagen

 

Dear Steely Dan,
There’s this guy I like in my building. Every day we share the same elevator – I’d like to say something but he’s always wearing headphones (maybe he’s listening to Steely Dan! Ha!) I feel like he’s my soulmate, but I can’t talk to him because of those damn headphones. These fucking iPods are ruining my life. What would Steely Dan do?
— Debbie Dolittle

Ms. Dolittle –
When you meet in the elevator, tap him on the shoulder. Knock twice, rap with your cane. Then tell him to turn that jungle music down. When you have his attention, tell him what you’re listening to: say something like “Chinese music always sets me free, angular banjoes sound good to me.” Maybe discuss the loss of audio quality on iPods. It’s not like stompin’ on the avenue by Radio City with a transistor and a large sum of money to spend. And, if there’s no static at all, remind him that the girls don’t seem to care what’s on as long as they play till dawn. You’ll be sliding on down in no time.
Donald Fagen

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