Advice From Alex: How To Take A Stealthy Dump At A New BF/GF’s Place

Dear Alex – I’ve been seeing this girl and staying at her place. Which is fine – except for the next morning, when I have to have my morning dump. See, I don’t want to stink up her bathroom which opens up onto the kitchen. So I just hold it in all morning which is starting to hurt. Can you help?
- Constipated in Seattle

Dear Constipated -
Believe it or not, there are a lot of men who are afraid to do the dirty in the bathroom because for some reason even men don’t like the smell of their own crap. There are 5 things you could do, and I would suggest trying all of them and seeing which is best:

1. Wake up super early and just let loose in the yard. She will think it’s her dog and the best part will be that she will pick it up later so you can have a silent laugh about that. If that sounds rude just picture yourself as if you were in a movie. Solemn music is playing as the camera pans on you staring out the window from behind the curtain. The camera zooms in on her struggling to use the pooper scooper you got her (for this very occasion). If she doesn’t have a dog say it was the neighbors dog or a curious fox.

2. Do your biz and start cooking really loudly to wake her up. Be all “Honey! I am making breakfast but I just can’t get your famous omelet right!” She will think it’s cute and be like “Awww! So sweet! But honey, let me take care of this because honestly, baby, it smells pretty bad.” See what you did there? You don’t? You are making her think your poop smell is your cooking so now you will never have to cook again. You’re welcome in advance.

3. Stop eating so much before you go to bed. A lot of people get scared at night for no apparent reason but it is no excuse to shove a sleeve of Oreos into your mouth while you’re listening to Faith Hill.

4. Convince her that she was the one who did it. Start by getting up around 3am-4am and just go release your demons. When you get back, if she is stirring just tell her “Babe, wow, I didn’t know you went to the bathroom this early!” In her groggy state she won’t know what the truth is, and as she falls back to sleep whisper in her ear, over and over, “You poop so early, you poop sooo early”. When she wakes up she might just apologize for the horrid dump she “took” and casually remark, “I don’t know what to say, I just poop so early.”

5. Tell your lady you are wanting to get romantic and bring over a outrageous amount of candles and scents. Burn a couple at night to get her in the mood but then, in the morning when the time comes, just light up everything and start spraying freshener everywhere . Have Kenny G playing so she can’t hear your farts, and then, when you are done, guess what? Turn the damn fan on. If she asks why just tell her the candles are making you too horny. Get in bed and then who knows? She may just jump on you because woman are instantly aroused by 60+ candles and Kenny G.