5 Foods You Better Not Eat On A Date

1. Squid ink pasta - you order the squid ink pasta, thinking there’s no way it could actually be made with squid ink. Just a figure of speech, like Dandelion Wine. It arrives, and you both chow down like the hungry animals you are. Everything’s cool, until you smile. Disgusting black teeth. Both of you. And you have black splotches on your white shirt. Your meal just defeated you.

2. Ethiopian – yes, Ethiopian food is tasty. No, there is nothing attractive about you digging your fingers deep into some brown messy slop, getting it under your fingernails, then shoving it into your mouth. If you want to go exotic, hit P.F. Changs.

3. Cabbage – there’s really only one way to say this: farts. Bad ones. That’s what happens when you eat cabbage. It would be one thing if cabbage were delicious, making it worth the risk of gaseous fumes, but it’s not. So avoid it at all costs on a date – save it when you’re with your frat bros or sorority sisters and want some fuel for a toot contest.

4. Asparagus - how is it that one little bite of asparagus makes your pee smell so dreadful? One sniff of that and you will instantly be taken out of any sort of romantic mood. Avoid it.

5. Soup – first of all,  you should only eat soup when you’re either sick or over 70 and have no teeth. So it follows that you DEFINITELY should not be slurping soup on a date. (#5 is nullified if you live in a cozy, quaint mountain hut and your date comes in from the cold after being lost. You know, like in a western.)