This is the purest relationship you will damn well ever be in. You’ve never been in love before, you've opened your heart and made yourself completely vulnerable to another human but it's totally fine because you are soulmates, dammit! and you will be together forever and this feeling will never, ever end! But then it does. And it HURTS. WOW. Like, your heart stepped on a lego. Times a million.

Drive Thru: This is a great spot for a quick cry. Say you remembered that part in Up where the wife falls on the hill. Then, let out a few quick tears and a little drool. You'll still be able to wipe yourself off just in time to get the 50 piece Chicken McNuggets and 5 apple crisps you ordered.

Capricorn: Jupiter is still in your house of true love until June, you sex beast, you. If you didn’t already meet The One last month, then you’re doing it wrong. Keep putting yourself out there, Cap, because your chances for love have never been better than they are right this instant.

For some reason unbeknownst to everyone, you’ve found yourself swimming in the opposite sex lately. The internet dating business is booming and you can’t even open your computer without getting flooding with opportunities. What’s your next move? Pick one of these potential suitors and hope it was the right decision? NO, absolutely not. Don’t settle just yet. You’ll be doing that for the rest of your life. With the right amount of tact, the least amount of morals, and these integral guidelines from me, you’ll be double dipping until your heart’s content.

Put down the beer bong and listen to me. In a couple of days you will go to a party at your jackass boyfriend’s apartment. You’ll get drunk, you’ll play video games, and you’ll help to make a bong out of fishbowls and tubes. You’ll wear cut-off jorts with your Doc Martens. (Side note: Don’t wear that.) You’ll have a great time.

You walk in and the smell of fiber optic cables and human brain sweat teases your nostrils like a cheap Arabian whore. Immediately a human in a regulation electric blue Apple t-shirt blocks you with their iPad and coos, “Can I help?” You know just where you’re headed so you reply: “I have an appointment at the Genius Bar.” Regulation Blue nods. It’s on.

The question is inevitable: “How did you meet your lover?” The one thing you don’t want to do in this situation, obviously, is be honest. Do you really want to go through the humiliation of losing everyone’s respect after you inform them that you met that unsightly “catch” on JDate or eHarmony? You are going to need to have a story planned: a good one, one that falsely shows you are capable of attracting the opposite sex.

I hate malls and do most of my shopping at Winners (the Canadian TJ Maxx) after the gym when I’m all disgusting and irritable on the weekend. In my eyes, it’s the only way to make a decision because if I can’t wiggle my sweaty legs into neon leggings, I can’t buy them.

Ah, bad dates. Time slows to a crawl, the drinks seem never to deplete, and the world stops turning. It is, in most ways, the worst kind of hell. We dig deep into the psyche with actual thoughts that go through your mind.

I’m a slut for ice cream. Jesus Christ, am I ever. More accurately, I’m a prostitute for ice cream. If someone tried to barter sex with ice cream, I’d hesitate. There would be no “What the fuck?” exclamation or immediate look of disgust and/or constipation. It'd be more of a “This guy gets me.”/ “Did I just meet my soul mate?”/ ”I’m about to have sex with you.” look.

January 23rd - January 27th And we're back for another week! It was an excessively eventful week that was filled to the brim with broken engagements, feuds, pregnancies, and people being admitted to the hospital. Or, as the Kardashians call it - Wednesday. Speaking of the Kardashians, I still haven't heard news as to whether Khloe, O.J Simpson and Maury Povich will be sitting down for a paternity show to determine if O.J

Being sexy isn’t all about looking like Kathleen Turner before she was a man, you know. Nope, true ‘sexiness’ is something indefinable, like the way we should feel about Disney starlets who grew epic racks but are still 17 and contracted to 2 more ‘talking inanimate object’ buddy movies or the mouthfeel of soysages. Sexy is an ‘X-factor’ that you either have or you don’t, regardless of your hotness (and by that we obviously mean as long as you’re a 7 or higher). So for those of you who suffer from acute unsexiness – GOODISH NEWS! I am going to teach you how to fool people into wanting you inexplicably! Here are 5 sure-fire tips to bring out your inner Tori Spelling.

There is something so awful about stock photography – it’s generic, fake, and just downright depressing. But something interesting happens when you apply your own twisted imagination to these hollow scenes: the characters – hitherto nothing but dolls with flesh – take on lives on their own. The Stock Art Comix series breathes life back into dead art.

Maybe it’s time to get off of your couch and get out there in the dating scene. It can’t hurt, right? In fact, it’ll probably help you lose the thirty pounds you put on since you got divorced and started working from home. Don’t you worry, though. We won’t get crazy. I know the idea of having to talk to every person you find moderately attractive is so tiring that you probably just moved from your office chair to your bed in defeat. Baby steps, my friend. Let’s start with internet dating, the least daunting realm of single life.