Features Archives » The Impersonals

dapper-lobster
Albro Lundy

If Lewis Carroll Wrote Of A Chance Meeting With A Taco

in Features | by | 13.05.14

The sun was setting, a perfect golden hue enveloping the shore as Helios dragged his fiery mares through the final leg of their agonizing daily paces. Each miniscule grain upon the beach shone with an impermeable brilliance, illuminated with the fading light of what had been an absolutely effervescent Tuesday. “Ahem,” interrupted a small voice. [...]

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sofafeatured
Amanda Mancino

This Week On Ebay: Sofas!

Welcome to our new weekly column “This Week on Ebay” where we tell you what’s up for grabs on that famous marketplace o’ the internets!  Why scour for hours when we pull up the most fashionable styles and best buys for you? Why do you even do that? It feels so counterproductive and completely destroys [...]

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ham
Edwina Gein

#InHonorOfHamTornado

Saturday, October 5, 2013 was the day hearts all over the world connected by a seemingly inconsequential website broke in tandem. For those that opened up their Twitter feeds that morning and saw the news that @Ham_Tornado had passed suddenly the previous night, the first question that came to mind was, “Is this a joke?” [...]

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writing
Amanda Mancino

Poetry Contest: Shutdown Edition

With the government shutdown still smoldering and no end in sight, we’ve decided to do what any rational organization would do: sponsor a poetry contest!   The Rules: 1. The subject must be in some way linked to the lovely government shutdown. 2. It must be in the style/tone of a famous poet (e.g. Shakespearean [...]

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sevenfinal
ChrisTrauma

Remake/Remix: Se7en

in Film, Remake/Remix | by | 26.06.13

Time for another remake remix, where we take a look at how to remake a beloved classic… by shifting genres entirely! See Also: (Home Alone as a Horror Film) (The Magic School Bus + SPEED) (Space Jam turned Sci-Fi epic)   Before we get started let me preface it with this: Se7en is a classic.  [...]

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sweet toof fight for food
Jeff Brian

Twitterview: @fightforfood

in Twitterviews | by | 21.06.13

If I had to pick my top 5 favorite tweeters, Chris, @fightforfood, would be on it, without question. Chris is just the right mixture of dark, weird, sarcastic, smart, and dirty humor. He tweets with an unapologetic take-it-or-leave-it style and he rarely misses. It was hard for me to pick just a few tweets to [...]

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Sweet Toof Kyle Lippert Twitterview
Jeff Brian

Twitterview: @Kyle_Lippert

in Twitterviews | by | 23.05.13

Kyle Lippert is the worst. This is what all of twitter was led to believe weeks ago when #KyleLippertIsTheWorst was trending worldwide.  Then why does he have so many followers? Then why do his tweets make me laugh all the time? Oh…I get it! He’s actually one of the best. See why we all come [...]

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Foster Dicksmith
Dan Duvall

Resume: Foster Dicksmith

in Classyfieds | by | 26.04.13

Foster Dicksmith Objective: Hello, my name is Foster and I just wanna hang, bang and introduce you to my thang. Experience: Greyhound cocaine vessel: 1991-1991 Duties included: clinching, Kegals coach, flasks, acting cool/keeping it together, google maps, homemade weapons, one time I thought I was out of beer and we had 8 miles to the Washington/Canada [...]

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Featured Writers

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos

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Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey

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Jake Riordan

Jake Riordan

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Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski is a writer, performer and 1,000-year-old dragon that engulfs his...

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