Guides Archives » The Impersonals

NFL 2014
Ray Ramos

Official 2014 Preseason NFL Power Rankings

in Guides, Sports | by | 21.07.14

As July turns into August and the weather goes from merely hot to sweltering, the country’s thoughts turn to football. More precisely, the National Football League. And even more precisely, the team that plays in the city/state/vicinity of where you live and how well you think they will do in the upcoming season. As you [...]

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Monica Heisey

How To Write A Graduation Speech In 2014

It’s graduation season, which means thinkers, celebrities, minor celebrities, and in the case of my university, a “famous librarian” will be gathering in robes to address hundreds of bright-eyed, outgoing graduates. The best speeches will be collated and coo-ed over on the internet. Some of them might even become top 40 hits in England, where [...]

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Adam Rensch

How To Gain Friends & Influence People: A Guide To Twitter Success

1. Be Ironic This is, perhaps, the most important tool to twitter success. Be ironic about anything and everything because nothing matters, especially not twitter, which is exactly why you’re spending 8 hours a day tweeting. This thoughtless, juvenile approach to life, one you’ve yet to outgrow, will be your life raft in a sea [...]

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Randy Smith

11 Signs You’re A 50-Year-Old Middle-Class Man

in Guides, Psychology & Mind | by | 07.05.14

1.  You’re now officially delaying invasive procedures like out-patient “butt stuff” at the doctor.   2.  Your medications take medications.   3.  Road rage is your new “horny.”   4.  Hot Singles in Your Area sound like a lot of work.   5.  You’ve considered opening a retirement account.  Or, researched personal injury lawsuits involving [...]

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JM Cook

11 Things That Are Different In Texas

in Guides, Travel & Transport | by | 29.04.14

I recently moved from Massachusetts to Texas — which is basically the opposite of Massachusetts. There are many things different about these two places. Here are some of those things. Weather Boy oh boy is the weather different here! Back home, it’s snowing and cold. Here it’s like 70 degrees and warm. It’s nice! Driving [...]

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Katrin Higher

10 Signs You Are SO Totally In Your 30s Now!

in Guides, Visual | by | 28.04.14

1. For starters, congratulations on still being here! It is a great indication that you are in your 30s if you are not dead yet. If you’re dead, you didn’t make it this far.   2. You have had 11 children, of which 3 are still alive. I’m sorry Willem fell in the well last night [...]

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Jason Ryan

Fun Internet-Quiz Results Roundup

Unless you’ve been living under a rock or have a “life” outside of the internet, you are by now well aware of the resurgence of the popular “which thing/character/whatever from pop culture are you?” quizzes popping up all over social media and clogging your Facebook timeline. Finally it’s no longer a secret which “Mama’s Family” [...]

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Audrey Farnsworth

7 Hot New Dining Experiences In The City

in Food & Health, Guides | by | 24.04.14

Are you a human, with a mouth(s)? Then you probably like to do eating, or have to, or whatever. Living in such a diverse place like The City, however, it can be difficult to find quality places because of the overwhelming amount of restaurants and how they’re just like piled on top of each other everywhere. [...]

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Featured Writers

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos is a writer living in Los Angeles who learned at a tender age that if...

Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian who splits her time between her hometown...

Jake Riordan

Jake Riordan

Jake went to college with Impersonals editor Matt Brand, and there was instant...

Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski is a writer, performer and 1,000-year-old dragon that engulfs his...

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