1. “THE WHOLE TIME?” – Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) If you’re anything like me, you have a pasta sauce stain on the right sleeve of your shirt. You also have seen the movie “Mrs. Doubtfire” more times than you have brushed your teeth. That’s absolutely disgusting and the fact that you continued reading up until this [...]

On the latest episode of HBO’s “Girls,” Shoshanna (Zosia Mamet) is watching TV with a male friend who tells her she can “touch it” if she wants, “it” referring to his visibly erect member. While most of us would probably choose to lean in with an awkwardly timed and poorly aimed kiss, for some, words speak louder than [...]

(IMPORTANT: DO NOT SUBSTITUTE FOR ANY OTHER ALBUM.) Jack White, of the former White Stripes, recorded a music record recently. I’m pretty sure he even used some instruments to do so, i.e. guitars and drums – NOT MARCAS THOUGH! – but this is unconfirmed. White calls this album Blunderbuss. Being a big fan of Jack [...]

Antique collector searching for ’57 Chevy with 2 full headlights & nice trunk space. No fatties. 10 speed bike for sale. Only used twice, some rust. Ask for Fred. You: Drunk at the Thirsty Beaver Saloon, cross-eyed w/ buck teeth. Me: Drunk at the Thirsty Beaver Saloon, willing to fuck anything. Career Opportunity: Do you [...]

Have you ever heard of music? Just in case you dummies answered no I will tell you what it is. Webster’s Dictionary defines music as…PSYCH! I’m not going to define music to you philistines. If you truly don’t know what music is then why are you reading a music review? Quit wasting your time! Now [...]

Like a lot of white nerds, I’ve become obsessed with HBO’s Game of Thrones. I’m not surprised that I fit into the demographic for the tv show; When I was 12-years old I spent an entire summer refusing to wear shoes because I wanted “to grow hobbit feet”. So, quite naturally, I’ve become enthralled with [...]

All right, I admit it, I’m addicted to feuds between lower-than-A-list celebrities and public figures. Whether it’s Gore Vidal and the late Dominick Dunne taking waspish jabs at each other in Vanity Fair, or John Cleese and Eric Idle fighting over Spamalot royalties, I’m riveted. The invective’s just plain sharper, the tone more enjoyably venomous. [...]

Deodorants targeted at adolescent males The Advertising: The scent of this deodorant/cologne renders you irresistible to the women-folk! The Reality: Guys, it’s cologne in a can. A pungent bouquet of toilet spray and Greek lothario with top notes of Dollar Store. Male teenage logic dictates that the more you administer, the larger the expected onslaught [...]

I’m back! I was terribly sick with a cold last week (otherwise known as I was camping out outside my local cineplex so I could see ‘The Hunger Games’ several times and yell “Katniss and Cinna should bone!” any time there was a Lenny Kravitz scene. But enough about my social life!) and didn’t write [...]

“Bent” premiered last Wednesday night at 9 PM Eastern on NBC. It is about the sexual chemistry between an affluent divorcée named Alex (Amanda Peet) and Pete, a failing-to-launch-in-life contractor, played by David Walton. Their spark delights Alex’s 10-year old daughter, Charlie, and annoys her boyfriend, a rich surgeon named Ben. Thirtysomething slackers who live [...]

Blackberry users, please avert your eye-holes and leave, thanks (I bet they’re still here, robot weirdos) Q: WHY DO WE WANT INSTAGRAM, JULIA? A: Uh, probably because the filters make your photos look AH-MA-ZING you stupid idiot! Also, it’s another outlet where you can receive acknowledgement and constant praise. Q: OK, I’VE DOWNLOADED IT AND [...]

I almost didn’t write this week’s column. I had woken up from one of my mid-morning naps to read that George Clooney had been arrested in Washington. I was just about to jump in my car, armed with a cake that had a file baked in the center, when I learned that he had already [...]

“If this marriage turns Don into a caring human being, I’m outta here.” “I feel like people can smell that I don’t smoke.” “If the show picks up a year or two later, will Vietnam still be going on?” “If Brooks Brothers has any of those sharkskin suits left, they’re probably marked down by now.” [...]

Houston’s daughter Bobbi Kristina reportedly wants to change her name because she no longer wants the association to her father, Bobby Brown. But hey, that’s her prerogative, right? And with that awful joke, I’m back. I took a break after the Oscars in an attempt to detox after the major binge session I went on [...]

There are few things in life more difficult than naming your personal WiFi network. Do you, a human, want to be identified with the ‘default’ name, which is something like KDXL-27O? Of course not. But you also don’t want to name it something lame like “Johnny’s Awesome Wifi”. You need to think about it, and [...]