Editor's Picks Archives » The Impersonals

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Adam Rensch

An Open Letter To The Celebrities, CEOs, And Wealthy Public Figures Yet To Magnanimously Pay Off My Student Loans

To those of you with a current net worth exceeding 50 million dollars: Recently I received a very amusing letter from the Department of Education that informed me, in no uncertain terms, that I am currently $126,000 in debt. While it is funny enough to consider the shear volume of physical space this amount could [...]

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Joel Ingersoll

Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Curling But Were Going To Ask Me In The Middle Of The Match

As the world’s eyes turn to Sochi, the inevitable questions about curling loom over my head like a FAQ which no one has read in a decade.  “Why do they sweep the ice?”  “Is beer considered a performance enhancing drug?”  “With the proliferation of HDTV, do curlers use concealer on their bald spots?” Answers: 1. [...]

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proposal ring
Dave Dittell

How I’ll Propose

Rives, Michigan Six years and three kids and we still argue just the same as ever, but at least we’ve got hunting.  Well, I’ve got hunting.  You’ve got buckshot going everywhere ‘cept in the buck itself, also the same as ever. The years have been as unkind to me and my gut as you’ve been [...]

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Urple Pingo

A Very Urple Christmas

  Christmas is upon us once again!  That magical season when people are marginally less shitty and grown-ass adults watch Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer and—in a fever of maudlin nostalgia—try to convince themselves it isn’t raw, untreated sewage. It is a time when families gather around hearth and table to be lectured by their resident [...]

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Don Nichols

CYBER SIZE ME: The 30-Day Techno Diet

DID YOU KNOW as many as “a lot” of world citizens are consuming media, and digesting information, daily? It’s true! And, all of these extra bits of knowledge result in unwanted brain fat: those under-exercised neurons of information that linger like unsightly love handles in your goal to have a sexy, rock hard intellect. In [...]

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Featured Writers

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos is a writer living in Los Angeles who learned at a tender age that if...

Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian who splits her time between her hometown...

Jake Riordan

Jake Riordan

Jake went to college with Impersonals editor Matt Brand, and there was instant...

Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski is a writer, performer and 1,000-year-old dragon that engulfs his...

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