As July turns into August and the weather goes from merely hot to sweltering, the country’s thoughts turn to football. More precisely, the National Football League. And even more precisely, the team that plays in the city/state/vicinity of where you live and how well you think they will do in the upcoming season.
As you know, here at The Impersonals, we work hard to keep our fingers on the pulse of the nation and deliver content that is both timely and relevant to the urges that drive the collective consciousness of its citizenry. Also, we’re pretty sure there’s a study out there somewhere that supports this.
What follows is ‘The Official Impersonals 2014 Preseason NFL Power Rankings’. Our crack team of experts, statisticians, social scientists and forensic pathologists have spent weeks carefully and exhaustively studying the players, coaches and tendencies of all thirty two NFL teams and have ranked them here below. Next to each team will be a brief explanation of our rationale for their rank. We’re sure you will find the compilation both entertaining and useful as you enjoy the upcoming season of greatness on the gridiron.
The Official Impersonals 2014 Preseason NFL Power Rankings
1. Seattle Seahawks - They won the Superbowl (Super Bowl? One word or two? Ugh) last year right? So by default, they’re number one until they get knocked off. We don’t make the rules, we just follow them…unless it becomes inconvenient to do so. Like rich people. Actually, they make the rules too. Bad analogy. Anyway…
2. Denver Broncos - They lost to the Seahawks in the Superbowl (fuck it, one word) last year right? This is a sub-clause to the rule governing the selection of the number one ranked team. Also, we’re not sure how much Peyton Manning has left in the forehead–TANK, TANK, how much he has left in the tank. Yikes. Sorry, Peyton.
3. San Francisco 49ers – They won the Superbowl a bunch of times back in the 80′s and 90′s (lol, were any of us even alive then?) so, why not?
4. Pittsburgh Steelers - They also won the Superbowl a bunch of times in the–holy shit, the 70′s. The 70′s? Hey grandpa, what did you do during the 70′s? Anyway, Pittsburgh is a badass town and the people that live there, well, the people that live there threatened to kick our asses if the Steelers were not ranked in the top 5.
5. Dallas Cowboys – LOL JK. Can you imagine?
5. New England Patriots - To be honest, we hate these guys. I mean, one of their players KILLED a couple of people for Christ’s sake. But somehow they always manage to win a lot of games. It’s almost as if they always know what the other team is going to do…like they’ve been watching their secret practices and reading their playbook and…HEY WAIT A MINUTE.
6. Shit, we have to do this twenty seven more times?
6. New Orleans Saints - This is the team whose head coach had to serve a one-year suspension for putting bounties on opposing players that Saints players could earn by maiming them. So if you think we’re going to fuck with these guys, well, no.
7. Baltimore Ravens - Um, just a good football team. No really.
8. Kansas City Chiefs - To be honest, we don’t really know a lot about them. But, by a careful process of elimination they ended up eighth. GO CHIEFS!
9. Detroit Lions - Detroit. The Motor City. It’s making a big comeback, folks. Have you seen the new Dodge Charger? Holy shit. Also, the team is pretty good. The coach is kind of an asshole, but they’ve got some game. So there you go.
10. Green Bay Packers - Total mercy pick. Can you imagine having to live in Green Bay, Wisconsin? We had to throw these poor people a bone by putting their beloved (honest to God, BELOVED) Packers in the top 10. C’mon, it’s what any decent person would do.
11 – 22. Houston Texans, Chicago Bears, Atlanta Falcons, Miami Dolphins, Buffalo Bills, Minnesota Vikings, Indianapolis Colts, Cincinnati Bengals, San Diego Chargers, Cleveland Browns, Tennessee Titans, Jacksonville Jaguars - Your guess is as good as ours with this bunch. Flip a coin. Whatever, it’s all good.
23. Arizona Cardinals - We’ve arrived at the “bottom 10″ and the winner is the Arizona Cardinals. The best of the worst. Why? Because it’s Arizona, mostly. Yeah they play football okay (which actually helps their ranking), but combine lethally hot summers, scorpions, John McCain, Jan Brewer, a shitload of racism and bigotry, stir it well and you have Arizona.
24. Carolina Panthers - Nothing against the fine people of The Tar Heel State, their team is just slightly not as good as Arizona at football.
25. St. Louis Rams - This really has to be said: St. Louis has never been and will never be good at pro football. Could be just bad luck or maybe they tend to build their stadiums on ancient burial grounds. We don’t know. We just know that it’s time to give up this experiment and move on. Maybe somebody in Toronto might like to buy a franchise?
26. Dallas Cowboys - Tells you something about how bad the next seven teams are that they are ranked below St. Louis. What can we say about the Cowboys? Beautiful new stadium and Dallas is a cool city (based on what we’ve heard; never been). But with Jerry Jones as your owner/president/general manager/asshole-in-charge and Tony “it’s intercepted!!” Romo as your quarterback, there’s only so much respect you’re going to command. Try the Tex-Mex if you ever go to Dallas, though. We hear it’s outstanding.
27. Philadelphia Eagles - Hoo boy, Philadelphia. The City Of Brotherly Love. Home of the Liberty Bell and, of course, the “Iggles.” What can we say? Hmmm… CHEESESTEAKS. Yeah. Love, LOVE the cheesesteak sandwiches, guys. Keep up the good work on the cheesesteak.
28. New York Jets and New York Giants (tie) - They share a stadium and, in recent seasons, the same, pervasive stink of mediocrity…or is that coming from The Meadowlands where, supposedly, Jimmy Hoffa is buried? You want to watch a good football team in New York (really, New Jersey if you want to get technical)? Drive down the Turnpike to New Brunswick and catch a home, non-conference Rutgers game.
30. Oakland Raiders - We’re probably going to catch a lot of heat (possibly knives and some bullets too) from Raider Nation for this one, but let’s be honest: the Raiders have not been good for a looooong time. We tried to analyze this and, well, our experts were stumped. The team is terrible but hey, at least Al Davis has departed this mortal coil. Then again, for all we know, that crazy old bastard is probably still pulling the strings from beyond the grave.
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Déjà vu! Once again, the Bucs suck! This really brings back a lot of great memories. Like this one: during the team’s first year in the league–during which they lost every game they played–their coach, John McKay was asked by a reporter, “what about the team’s execution?” McKay replied, “I’m all for it.” Enough said.
And, finally, the WORST team in the league:
32. Washington R******s – Any questions? Yeah, we didn’t think so.