elite-daily-plane-passengers

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for flying Guilt Trip Airlines. As you settle into your seats, we’d like to remind you that it’s been forever since you last called your mother.

On behalf of the entire staff, I’d like to thank you for requiring us to come into work today. My son had a T-ball game this afternoon, and I’m going to miss it thanks to your inability to fly home on a weekday.

During take-off, please turn off and stow all cell phones and electronic devices. To help pass the time until the use of such devices is permitted, we invite you to sit back and think about all those big life goals you wanted to accomplish, but then just sort of forgot about after you got out of college.

We’d like to remind you that this is a non-smoking flight. We’d also like to reiterate that you’ve been promising to quit for quite some time. I mean, seriously, you have kids now. Don’t you want to live long enough to watch them grow up? Or are cigarettes really more important than seeing your daughter walk down the aisle on her wedding day?

When the seatbelt sign is illuminated, your seatbelt must be fastened. To do so, insert the metal fittings one into the other and pull the strap to tighten. To unfasten your seatbelt, lift the upper portion of the buckle and separate – just like you did when you moved across the country and away from your loving parents.

Please take a moment to locate your nearest exit. Remember, much like the best years of your life, it may be behind you.

In the unlikely event of cabin decompression, an oxygen mask will automatically appear in front of you, along with a letter from your father discussing how much he worries about the fact that you’ve strayed from religion.

If you are seated in an emergency row, we ask that you look over the special information card that is simply a list of all the things your mother sacrificed over the years so that you could have a happy childhood. If you are unwilling or unable to review this card, please ask a flight attendant to reseat you.

During your flight, snacks and beverages will be provided free of charge. Our beverage selections include Coke, Sprite, coffee, tea, ginger ale and the tears of all the family members you let down when you told them you didn’t want to go to medical school.

Larger food items are also available for a nominal charge. Today’s featured menu item is a bag of Homemade Chocolate Chip Cookies. The price is three dollars. If you are on a diet or this sounds too expensive, then we remind you that the captain’s mom slaved away in the kitchen all day making them. It would just break her heart if she found out they went to waste.

Take off will occur momentarily. If I may now direct your attention to the in-flight monitors, you’ll see a picture of the pet you left at home, looking completely heart-broken and abandoned.

Once again, we thank you for flying with us. We know you could have chosen to spend your money elsewhere – for example, on a nice, new foot massager for your mother’s aching feet – so again, thank you for flittering away your income on this little getaway for yourself.

Our estimated flight time is 4 hours and 42 minutes. So please sit back, relax, and remember that your older brother calls home EVERY Sunday. Seriously, pick up the phone for Christ’s sake. How hard is it to make a phone call?

Thank you and enjoy your flight.

FOLLOW JEFF ON TWITTER AND FOLLOW THE IMPERSONALS ON TWITTER

Featured Writers

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos is a writer living in Los Angeles who learned at a tender age that if...

Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian who splits her time between her hometown...

Jake Riordan

Jake Riordan

Jake went to college with Impersonals editor Matt Brand, and there was instant...

Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski is a writer, performer and 1,000-year-old dragon that engulfs his...

Listen to The Impersonals Podcast, feat. interviews w great tweeters