1. Be Ironic
This is, perhaps, the most important tool to twitter success. Be ironic about anything and everything because nothing matters, especially not twitter, which is exactly why you’re spending 8 hours a day tweeting. This thoughtless, juvenile approach to life, one you’ve yet to outgrow, will be your life raft in a sea of banal tweets. On twitter, no one actually thinks jokes about weed or sex or fedoras are funny—it’s irony, though how this irony translates to genuine humor has yet to be shown definitively. Some think it has to do with the portion of the brain responsible for humor. Others have offered the possibility that perhaps your inability to sustain an original thought is conceptually advantageous in a world of nihilistic narcissists, most of whom are drawn to twitter for that false sense of importance that momentarily counteracts their death drive. Regardless, this brings us to the next rule.
2. Avoid Originality
While originality may work for a few, rare accounts, particularly those with clever gimmicks or topically relevant content, it is best to avoid disturbing the thick, idiotic waters of twitter with thoughtful reflection, as such material rarely receives much positive attention. When in doubt, casually insert a funny little quip about your “bae” that doesn’t actually exist, or something about the booty having you a certain way, perhaps with a goofy image attached. As mentioned, jokes with “tittys” or “420” have historically performed well, as have whacky non sequiturs and those about “white girls” who “can’t even.” Don’t worry that you are most likely exploiting another community’s vernacular for humorous effect—as the next rule shows, lacking any understanding of history or social context is vital to your success.
3. Condescend, and Ascend
White girl jokes, as well as those insightful commentaries on “there vs. their,” are very effective because they succeed in two ways: 1) they are mean-spirited, condescending attacks on other people, something everyone on twitter seems to enjoy; and 2) they fail to acknowledge the social and political conditions that give rise to the content of the joke in the first place. This is the holy grail of humor, folks. Not only do you get to prove how smart and enlightened you are by pointing out another person’s perceived lack of intelligence, you don’t even have to recognize that the people you’re exploiting most likely live in communities that lack proper education and are too impoverished or destitute to offer meaningful exposure to the English language! And the brilliance of it is, you don’t even have to understand it any better than they do—you just have to seem like you do! Remember, twitter is all about presentation, and the right mixture of arrogance, ignorance, insensitivity, and privilege goes a long way!
4. Rub Shoulders
Follow celebrities and other popular accounts. Interact with them. Retweet everything they say. Lavish them with praise. Defend them when they’re not funny, which is often, and defend them when they say something blatantly sexist or racist. Be sure to attack anyone who disagrees as being overly sensitive and politically correct. Someone thought a rape joke wasn’t funny? Well it’s certainly not because rape jokes are disgusting and treat someone’s real trauma as insignificant and worthy of laughter. No, it’s because whoever disagrees with your twitter idol, the person you’ve spent hours hopelessly attempting to get recognition from —whoever disagrees with this individual is obviously an honorary member of the twitter police, someone so vehemently opposed to your right to free speech that they’ve confused you for some kind of asshole perpetuating an ugly cultural stereotype that gives rise to violence against women. Because language, as everyone knows, is just a bunch of words and made up stuff. It isn’t real. It certainly doesn’t communicate a vast fucking network of concepts and ideas between living human beings and literally change how they understand the world or anything like that. Nope, it’s just some symbols and shit.
5. Ignore The Person You Used To Be
OK. But what happens when you finally succeed, when at last the coveted Rob Delaney follow takes place? Well, now that you’ve made it, be sure to avoid those lowly idiots with less than 5,000 followers—unless you’re a disgusting piece of trash like [redacted], in which case you can follow all the women you find attractive and message them directly, using your cultural influence as leverage with the hopes that future sexual favors will be returned for your kindness and consideration. Regardless, the trick is to only interact with other big accounts and celebrities. Retweet them and make sure everyone knows to follow them, as if somehow your followers wandered blindly onto twitter from some weird part of the world where no one has any fucking idea who Andy Richter is. OK, maybe Andy Richter is a bad example, as my girlfriend, peering over my shoulder AGAIN, just responded “Wait. Who’s Andy Richter?” The point is: if you’re going to be on top in the twitter community and prove to everyone you’re not as big of a failure as you feel, you have to act like it. Of course, if you’re the kind of person that wants to be on top to begin with, you’re probably not going to have a hard time with that. Just forget about the person you used to be (the person you still are) and pretend you’re someone you’re not (namely, someone important). Everyone will love you.
That’s about it, really. So, now that you know how to succeed, get those jokes ready. Show the world your mediocrity. And always, always delete your @ replies. Those things are hideous.
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