2014NFLDraft

Some people are NFL Draftnics, other people just like an excuse to drink beer on a Thursday night, but for the rest of you who stumbled across this article without any sports background or interest, the NFL Draft is the LinkedIn/eHarmony for football.  Millions of questions are asked and answered, every part of a player’s physical performance scrutinized and there’s more TV coverage about rumors and speculation than Fox News spends on Benghazi–all leading up to a three-day event that is like the Super Bowl for terrible teams.  Come to think of it, the NFL Draft is like my life as a Cleveland Browns fan:  Fleeting moments of euphoria, which eventually crush my soul with bitter disappointment while I beg for the sweet relief of death or another beer—whichever comes more quickly.

 
With that in mind, here are a few things you might not know about the NFL Draft:
   

  1. Mel Kiper Jr. is considered a “Draft Expert.”  He writes for magazines and, much like Punxsutawney Phil, crawls out of his hole each year for far too many TV appearances.  His profession is not to actually draft players, but to talk about the players being drafted by people who professionally draft players.  In other words, he’s a “Professional National Football League Draft Professional” (and you thought “Thought Leader” or “Brand Champion” were useless LinkedIn job titles.)

  2. The location where each team manages the draft is called a “War Room” even though no one in the 79 year history of the NFL Draft has been given an M16 and required to storm the beaches at Normandy–unlike your grandpa, who is still a badass and still drinks Old Milwaukee like tap water.

  3. At the scouting combine, the Cleveland Browns asked Arkansas center Travis Swanson to list all of the things he could do with a brick in one minute.  With the myriad of options for this answer, the best response would be “smash” while a very creative red flag would be “make a bong.”

  4. There is an 85.47% chance the NFL will set a record by selecting four hyphenated names in the first round of the draft.

  5. If 1/8 of the brain power spent on the NFL Draft was dedicated to curing cancer, you could smoke 16 packs of Marlboro’s during the first round without fear of reprisal.

  6. Michael Sam will likely be drafted and finally bring the NFL into the 21st Century by being the first openly gay player.  After the draft, many experts and homophobic online commenters will wildly ejaculate claims that Sam’s sexuality will be a locker room distraction thereby fulfilling the prophecy that his sexuality will be a distraction.  Michael Sam, however, probably just wants to play football.

  7. Ha Ha Clinton-Dix has the best name in this year’s draft, and one of the most enjoyable athlete names since the botanical Alge Crumpler, basketball’s charging Nick Collison and, the granddaddy of them all, baseball’s Johnny Dickshot who, despite all of the possible permutations of his surname, also garnered the moniker “Ugly.”  Thank god he didn’t have access to Snapchat, Instagram or Vine.

  8. At least one highly projected player will tumble into the late first round of the draft.  All of the cameras will focus on him, and his stoic poker face will belie the pain of no one at prom wanting to dance with him.  Don’t feel too bad though because going from a metric shit-ton of money to just a shit-ton of money will still earn him more in four years than you’ll make in a cubicle lifetime.

  9. BYU’s Daniel Sorensen logged a 6.47 in the NFL Combine’s 3 Cone Drill and was one of the most impressive performances in Indianapolis next to Mel Kiper Jr.’s 4.2 in the Mousse and Style and Rex Ryan’s 82 reps at the buffet.

  10. Many Mock Drafts are projecting the Seattle Seahawks will take UCLA guard Xavier Su’a-Filo with the 32nd pick.  This is HUGE news for the Neilson’s!  Since the NFL moved the first round of the draft from Saturday morning to Thursday night, no one of the East Coast has actually been awake for the final pick of the first round on TV—except for Patriot fans because they wicked love Bill Belichick.

  11. Combine performances are not the perfect gauge of a player’s future performance.  For example, Mary Shelley successfully drafted Frankenstein’s Monster in the third round (25) despite a 40 time of 18.6 seconds and a debilitating fear of fire-themed mascots.

  12. Do not read the comments section of Mock Draft, Draft Rumors or real news about the draft posted to the Internet because America’s dumb shines.  Actually, now that I think about it, this is good Internet advice in general.

  13. The Eagles will boo their first round pick no matter who it is because it will have been 235 days since they’ve had an opportunity to jeer Santa Claus.

  14. Aaron Rodgers State Farm® – Discount Double Check commercials will air no less than 700 times during the first round of the NFL Draft.

  15. At least one player drafted in the first round will have a 4.4 forty and a .14 BAC.

  16. Fans of the New York Jets will annoy you during the draft just by existing.

  17. Pittsburgh hasn’t drafted a player in the first round lacking a creepy moustache since Whizzer White in 1938 (I don’t know if this is true because moustache photographic technology was very *VERY* limited at the time).

  18. Johnny Manziel has the nickname “Johnny Football.”  This is really cute and adorable, until you realize that baseball Hall of Famer Ted Williams nickname was “Teddy Fucking Ballgame” and now those camouflage cargo shorts at your Pro Day don’t seem so cool, do they Johnny?

  19. There will be not one single woman at your draft party with the body in a Budweiser, Bud Light or Coors Light commercial.  The only boobs visible during the draft are steroid, not silicone, induced.

  20. None of this really matters because when the heat death of the universe comes, there will still be politicians who claim global warming wasn’t caused by human activity and concussions aren’t caused by 250 pound men hitting each other in the head.

So enjoy the draft with a local beer or sixteen to numb the pain of the existential dread of knowing that the guy you help fund at a million-plus annually has the maturity to stay away from the grape drank and doesn’t end up selling you a certified pre-owned Volkswagen in less than a decade.

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