1. You’re now officially delaying invasive procedures like out-patient “butt stuff” at the doctor.
2. Your medications take medications.
3. Road rage is your new “horny.”
4. Hot Singles in Your Area sound like a lot of work.
5. You’ve considered opening a retirement account. Or, researched personal injury lawsuits involving forklifts and Costco shelf collapse.
6. Your stuff owns stuff.
7. Your diet can best be described as “eating for two”—AND you fill out a mean halter top.
8. You have faint memories of running shoe brand names and owning a pair of something.
9. You’ve been married enough times to know better.
10. When people talk about the ‘90s as if the decade belongs to a distant past, you lose orientation to space and time.
11. You still believe the volume knob of life goes to 11, for that extra push over the cliff to reclaim your youth. Thus, the future back injury on some kid’s trampoline.