Today I’ll be your guide on a journey to center of your soul. I hope it will bring you a deep sense of tranquility and oneness with the universe.

Close your eyes. Breathe deeply. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Concentrate on your breath.

Now I want you to picture yourself floating through space. You feel cool and relaxed, floating in the infinite darkness. Suddenly you start moving much faster. You’re being pulled into some kind of vortex. You get sucked through. But it’s okay. Stay calm. Breathe in. Breathe out.   

You open your eyes. You’re still in space, floating. You hear something calling your name. It’s an elf, flying next to you. “How do you know my name?” you ask him. He says, “I’ve known you my whole life. Don’t you remember?” You feel a chill run down your spine. What’s happening to you? This doesn’t feel right. Breathe.

The elf says that “The Master” wants to see you. Afraid to let on that you don’t know what’s happening, you tell him to lead the way. You fly toward a bright red orb that is apparently the elf’s home planet (and maybe yours?). You land. Nothing looks familiar. The atmosphere is harsh. It’s hard to breathe at all, but you must! In! Out!  

You and the elf set out down a dark and eerie road to see The Master. Soon you come upon what appears to be a hag, wearing a filthy burial shroud. She turns around to show her ghastly face, half rotted away from the tomb. She points at you with a skeletal finger. It’s just an absolutely nightmarish image.

Okay, so now you know that this isn’t just a bad feeling. This is all actually really terrible. But of course you can’t leave. You can’t bail on the journey to the center of your soul just because it’s getting a little weird. And do you really want to find out what happens when you ignore The Master’s summons? I didn’t think so.

Up the road a little more, you see a goblin. He is cackling. You think “this can’t be good.” Ha ha, understatement! Just wait, you’ll laugh too when you see what an understatement it is. As you get closer, you notice that the goblin isn’t wearing any pants, and his enormous, grotesque testicles are visible. He appears to be pleasuring himself, laughing that horrible laugh all the while, which jiggles his terrible, terrible testicles. As you float by, he reaches the crisis point in his pleasure, showering you with his foul demon seed. It burns your skin like acid. It’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you. See what I mean about the understatement? You gotta admit, that’s funny. Breathe in, breathe out, etc.

At this point you start to wonder – am I asleep or awake? Is this still meditation?  If so, why would meditation be like this? Well, I can’t help you with that. Like all the important questions, you must answer this on your own.

You keep going down the road.

You come to an iron gate. The elf says he can take you no further. He says The Master is waiting for you inside. With shaking hands, you open the gate. There is an army of people there waiting for you.  They all look familiar. You realize that it’s your entire family and all of your friends. But they are somehow different. More monstrous. That’s probably because they turned into monsters and, unfortunately, every one of them is staring at you with their glowing red eyes and doing that slice-across-the-neck gesture with their finger.

You think this definitely can’t still be meditation. You wonder if you’re dead. Maybe you died while you were meditating. Well, if you are dead, look around you: this ain’t Heaven. Are you still breathing? It’s important to breathe.    

You push past your bloodthirsty loved ones toward The Master’s throne. Finally you get close enough to see The Master. Why, it’s your beloved grandmother!  You run toward her to hug her, but stop short when you see that the lower half of her body is that of a giant, hideous snake. She hisses, “Time to die, deary!” then slithers toward you with a hatchet. You turn to run but you are surrounded on all sides by your monster loved ones, coming at you with knives. You brace yourself as well as you can for hundreds of simultaneous stabbings. You are 100% sure that within seconds you’ll be dead.

Aaaaaaand open your eyes. Don’t you feel good? No? Well, hey, at least you’re here and not stuck in the meditation realm getting killed by your snake-demon grandmother. Many, many people who I’ve guided through this process aren’t so lucky. It’s sad, but what can I do about it? Anyhoo, I hope your luck holds out during the next session, which recreates the peaceful sensation of being buried alive.

See you then!


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