I recently moved from Massachusetts to Texas — which is basically the opposite of Massachusetts.

There are many things different about these two places. Here are some of those things.

Weather

jm5

Boy oh boy is the weather different here! Back home, it’s snowing and cold. Here it’s like 70 degrees and warm. It’s nice!

Driving

Man, has driving been different. Not only do Texans drive faster, they also are much more aggressive — kind of like their personalities! Weird.

Guns

jm1

Guns. You are forced to buy them everywhere: Walmart, Whatabuger (a great Texas food chain with delish burgers. Pretty hard name to say though), Walgreens, other businesses that don’t necessarily begin with W.

I went to the bank and they handed me a gun after I made my deposit. They said, “Use this to rob other banks. This is our business model.” Which I thought was odd. But hey, when in Rome!

You cannot escape the guns. It’s good!

BBQ

jm7

The only food I’ve eaten since being here is some form of charred flesh. Lately, it’s been what suspiciously looks/tastes like horse, but sometimes it’s been brisket! Yum!

There are many arguments about which establishment serves the best BBQ around: Billy Bob’s, Bobby Bill’s, Grabbies, The Spot, BBQueen, you name it, people have an opinion on it. The Texas version of Yelp (Yeehaw) is no help because the text is ALL CAPS (a.k.a screaming) and only visible if you have on a ten-gallon hat and big belt buckle. I just get my BBQ-fix delivered by my local postman.

Roving Bands of Marauders

Another adjustment has been dealing with gangs of blood-thirsty marauders. The other day, the wife and I were at Kroger (a grocery store) and leaving the parking lot when one of these loosely-organized gangs encircled us on their diesel-powered motor bikes, rapping the ground with chains and hollering loudly. It frightened my wife and I, so I had to throw a box of $3.99 donuts to distract them while we escaped. Talk about culture shock!

Everything is Spread Out

jm6

In the Bay State, you can drive 3 hours and be in three different states. In the Death Star State, I can drive 245 hours and only be in San Antonio. It’s unreal!

Racism

I’ve never seen it in Texas. Whereas in Massachusetts I was called “cracker” daily.

Gay people

Dallas is full of gay people. Texas seems to really like them! In MA, I only knew like one gay person and he didn’t seem very happy. I would recommend he move to Texas.

General Size of Things

jm3

They said everything would be bigger in Texas, and it’s true. My penis grew about 2 inches and my maltese mix is now a mastiff. Also, sodas come in small (32 oz.), medium (64 oz.) and large (4096 oz.) sizes, which has been quite the adjustment to say the least.

Titties, hair, belts, boots, cows, signage and titties are also bigger than what I’ve previously seen. Super!

The Death Penalty

jm4

I was tried and convicted for murder (don’t ask. God, fml, right?!) and am writing this from Death Row. If you go to jail in Texas, you are put to death by firing squad while sitting in an electric chair within 2-3 weeks of sentencing with no appeal. Rick Perry (fingers crossed it will be Wendy Davis by the time it’s my turn God I love her) pulls the switch/trigger himself.

Dying

jm8

In Massachusetts, they give everyone an Irish funeral (your corpse on a pool table, lots of singing, whiskey) when they die and it is very poignant.

In Texas, they bury you in a shallow grave on the Mexican border. That’s where I am now. It’s great!

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