1. For starters, congratulations on still being here! It is a great indication that you are in your 30s if you are not dead yet. If you’re dead, you didn’t make it this far.
2. You have had 11 children, of which 3 are still alive. I’m sorry Willem fell in the well last night and cracked his skull.
3. Since you started working at age 8 and have been working for 22 years in total you should be on your way to getting a medal! Instead, at this ancient age of 30 you have a hunch back and dislodged jaw from being trampled by a horse-pulled plough.
4. You have had all of the four humours, yellow bile, black bile, phlegm and blood, expectorated from your body at one point or another.
5. You went fully grey at 13
6. Your last two husbands were slain in Battle: John in Battle of Marston Moor and Hamish in Battle of Naseby.
7. You will never remarry again since you are a widow with a prolapsed uterus since the age 26.
8. You are currently dying of infection from the plough injury.
9. I have some poison you can take, if you’d like to go quickly; your surviving two children can live with your sister, I’m getting the priest now, dear lady.
10. The time is nigh, shh shh, may God save your soul and take you into his blessed Kingdom in Heaven!