Unless you’ve been living under a rock or have a “life” outside of the internet, you are by now well aware of the resurgence of the popular “which thing/character/whatever from pop culture are you?” quizzes popping up all over social media and clogging your Facebook timeline. Finally it’s no longer a secret which “Mama’s Family” character your Mom is — ironically it’s not Mama — or that the guy who works in IT, that you are Facebook friends with for some reason, is the blonde snot-nose-punk king from “Game Of Thrones” (spoiler alert). Thus far I’ve managed to avoid taking these dumb-dumb quizzes because I didn’t want to admit to myself, and the world, that I was that bored. However, in the interest of science I decided to clear my schedule for a couple hours and began scouring the corners of the deep net to take as many of these quizzes as possible so that I could compile the results and bore you with them, just like everybody else in your internet life.
WHICH TWILIGHT CHARACTER ARE YOU?
You are: The Spanish Influenza That Almost Killed Edward
“You nearly took Robert Pattinson’s Adonis-like features away from us forever, you sick fuck. You pretty much almost ruined everything for everybody everywhere forever until that one dude saved your sorry ass and turned him into a vampire and preserved his delicate beauty for generations so he could eventually find his own personal brand of heroin.”
WHICH 90s TV BOYFRIEND IS RIGHT FOR YOU?
You are: John Becker From Becker
“Becker, famously portrayed by Ted Danson, is perfect for you because, like him, you are kind of an asshole. You are misanthropic and annoyed by everybody, especially patients at your medical practice. Also, like Becker, you are opinionated and cheap. You also smoke like a big dumb idiot. Lung cancer? Ever heard of it? Anyways, yeah, you should probably marry Becker cause he’s your soulmate. Like you, he doesn’t care what any one else thinks about his personality or social skills.”
WHICH ORIGINAL NETFLIX SERIES ARE YOU?
You Are: Whichever The Worst One Is (Hemlock Grove?)
“It seems like the general public mostly likes those shows except for maybe that Hemlock Grove one so guess you are probably that.”
WHICH ‘STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION’ CHARACTER ARE YOU?
You Are: The Enterprise’s Garbage Chute
“Cause you are like a waste of space. Space…waste haha get it? Ok. So it isn’t the best joke but we’re trying to make a point and that point is: fuck you, guy.”
WHICH ‘HARRY POTTER’ CHARACTER ARE YOU?
You are: Snape…’s Dumb Haircut
“LOL. You are so terrible.”
WHICH ‘SEINFELD’ CHARACTER ARE YOU?
You are: The Nothing The Show is About
“Who cares? Go outside and interact with other human beings for once in your life, Jason. Yes, we just referred to you by your name. We know who you are. You can’t hide from us.”
WHICH GOVERNMENT AGENCY IS USING THESE QUIZZES AS A MEANS TO SPY ON YOU?
You are: The NSA For Teens
“Sure, we’re the NSA but it doesn’t mean we can’t have a little fun. Our junior recruits love to cut loose and think outside the box for entertaining, innovative ways to spy on our citizens.”
WHICH ‘GAME OF THRONES’ CHARACTER ARE YOU?
You are: A Random Horse That Dies
“Most people view you as a random horse that dies on “Game Of Thrones”. They never really paid attention to and are like ‘wait…who? oh yeah…guess I remember that horse’ but except they are talking about you, remember, because you are unmemorable and forgettable like a horse.”