Are you a human, with a mouth(s)? Then you probably like to do eating, or have to, or whatever. Living in such a diverse place like The City, however, it can be difficult to find quality places because of the overwhelming amount of restaurants and how they’re just like piled on top of each other everywhere.

Where’s the best place for pizza? Where’s the best place for sushi? Where’s the best place for bat buns? What about legs?

Listed below are some of the best hidden gems in The City, with both great food and unique dining experiences. Check it out, and never read anything ever again! This will tell you everything! Place your peepers in the bucket at the bottom of this page, you won’t need them anymore!


Ted’s is a unique place. Here, you don’t just eat the chicken wings, they serve you because they have little legs and eat you, also, sometimes. In this revolutionary spot built in 1567 by actual dolphins, or “foodies,” you literally fight for your life against the hostess, an actual chicken who has legs made of sword particles. Either she ends up on your plate and you eat her (fingers crossed!) or you end up in her stomach and you can’t go home tonight. Luckily, her stomach has a door, and the management lets you out in the morning. You’re going to want to shower if this happens!


This is the ultimate “dine like a true hero boy” experience! You’ll be asked the question, “Do you have what it takes? Do you? Do I? Do I have what I take? Do you have what you did take already? What are we taking?” as soon as you walk in by a very confused man dressed as a whole globe, who will lead you to your table by pushing you down a slide on a sled, and if you make it to the bottom (it’s a tight squeeze), you’ll be whisked away by a actual falcon and literally thrown at, or at least towards, your table. Just because you probably won’t be sitting with anyone you came with (the falcons don’t know who your dad is, lol), doesn’t mean you can’t have fun! Before ordering your food, you’ll be given a lasso and a magnet and you have to eat one of them and swing the other one around everywhere – your choice! Anyways, then the waitress comes around and dumps a pot of beans on your head and you’re shot from a cannon into your car, fuck you.


This place is the bomb. No, but it is. You walk in, and it’s a bomb, that goes off, and you die. Definitely don’t go here if you have plans tomorrow, or ever! But who needs a head when you’ve got tortilla chips that actually walk around that you see for .8 seconds before everything blows up? 


Built on an island and airlifted to the middle of an actual dumping ground in 13 AD, then carried another way and placed atop an abandoned apartment complex that was once run by a guy named Harold Beanbean, this place is just an actual trash can. Never been inside of a trash can before? What are you, some sort of lord? You aren’t? Weird! Anyways, getting into this place is hard. Like, actually getting into it is hard, it is just a normal sized trash can, not like a big one. If you want to physically fit inside this restaurant, you will have to go through an intensive shrinking process that includes cutting off no more than one of your limbs – but, honey, it will be more than worth it once you taste these ham stuffed beef sandwiches filled with tiny bagels that have faces and hands. Come for the food, stay to have your severed limb sewn back on by one of the many registered* nurses that live in the parking lot.

(*what does this word mean? lol.)


Now this is a place you’ve got to experience. Everything is on fire, including me! Yes, I’m there, just always. It is my job to continuously keep setting everything on fire. Nothing ever burns down. Not even scientists can explain this, but it’s been rumored that this is because a very evil and dark magic protects the entire establishment, mostly likely due to the fact that it is owned and operated by deems (teenage demons).  Stop by every second Saturday of the month for Sacrifice Saturday, where the teenager demons choose a lucky patron to take center stage and get tied up to just this log and then float into a blinding light where the ceiling once was and act as a sacrifice to their gods! Fun stuff! Oh, and every Monday, ham is free! Free ham! Free ham made by scary 15 year old ghosts, they just throw it at you, even if you don’t even come inside. You can’t make this shit up.


BOO BOO BRUNCH is a buffet style restaurant owned and operated by a very concerned ghost. He is always worried that you’re not having a very good experience and most of your dinner will be spent being very frightened by him because he never leaves you alone and can’t control the tone or volume of his voice, like ever. He ALSO enters the room by popping up from underneath your table and screaming “ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD EXPERIENCE HOW IS THE FOOD I MADE YOU?” while diving into your mouth. Don’t worry, though, he’s a ghost! He comes right out, and it doesn’t hurt or anything, it’s just really super weird. Vomiting is rare, but it has happened.


At ForkBunz, you get the ultimate vegan experience. You’ll be like, “Wow! That?” when you see the organic and locally knitted beanies walking upright like humans with actual arms serving you quinoa right out of the oven! Like they bring out the actual oven and dump the quinoa straight into your head. This is a method so fresh, they even call it “FRESH 2 DEATH!” because sometimes the waitress isn’t that strong and accidentally drops the oven onto your body. After your meal, the waitress is required to give you complimentary keys to HER ACTUAL HOUSE, where you are invited to later that evening! BE ADVISED: all of the silverware is spiked with needles, so if you have that disease where the inside of your mouth gets hurt by sharp objects, you might want to take a pill that makes you not allergic anymore before using the forks!

Dine happy, people of The City. And always remember to be safe and never go to a place not listed in one of these, because you might find yourself in a very undesirable situation where you die or everything sucks or something.


[____] eye bucket.


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