Congratulations on the birth of your son!

I’m sure you are both very happy and very tired right now. I know my wife and I were after the arrival of our daughter. But what everyone told us has turned out to be true: it really does get easier.

After we left the hospital our families visited to pitch in with the cooking and cleaning. That helped a lot. With any luck, yours can get the time off from work to do the same for you. On the other hand, having extra people around added unnecessary social pressure to an already stressful occasion. Hopefully you guys can avoid that!

Anyway, so I was looking on Facebook for a picture of your baby– had to go to Google to find it (are you guys seriously still on Google Plus?) — and couldn’t help but notice that my baby is a lot cuter than yours.


My Kid

That came out harsher than I meant it to.

I didn’t plan to have an incredibly cute baby– being an intransigent fatalist, I reconciled myself to having an ugly child as soon as the thought crossed my mind– but we did. The nurse who first weighed her said to me, “wow, this is a really cute baby. I see a lot of babies, and let me tell you: they aren’t all cute. A lot of them look pretty freaky, you know? So if the baby looks weird I’ll say something like, ‘oh, what perfect little hands!’ But this baby is bee-yoo-tee-ful.” The nurse had a voice kind of like Yael Stone’s character (Morello) on “Orange is the New Black,” if that helps you imagine the scene. Sorry if you haven’t had time to watch it yet. I missed a shitload of Mad Men when our kid was born.

Our little girl’s devastating adorability wasn’t intentional; I wasn’t trying to show you up. I’m not a handsome man, and I have no idea why such a beautiful woman decided to marry me. (William, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about *wink*). But at this point the dice are cast. My baby looks better than yours.


Your Kid

I guess this is one of those “sorry, not sorry” situations. I think my baby is awesome, and even though I would love her the same if she looked all messed up, like a kid tried to draw angry Newt Gingrich (that’s your baby), it’s cool that she is adorable. I guess I’m just saying sorry that my baby is always going to have looked better than yours, even though she is probably going to grow up to be crushed by a social system that sustains a mirage of success by squeezing the middle-working-poor classes down, down, down until a trickle of sweat and blood oozes out to feed a sickly, lucky few.

Let me know when you all are ready to leave the house. Maybe we can do a Target trip together?

All our love,
Greg and family

  • filipem

    I can confirm that this baby is profanely cute.

  • ElevenSeven

    I’ve seen better.

  • amazing testimony

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