The following is the transcribed audio track from a missing 1hr special originally recorded for a popular cable news channel in the aftermath of a series of highly publicized missteps regarding racism by celebrity chef/host & all around cuddly southern party-planner, Paula Deen.
The Impersonals acquired this document both legally, as well as anonymously, and our lawyers assure us we are in no way vulnerable to litigation for publishing the following submission.
Transcript of Audio. Video Missing.
Log Code: 22-148-7-74
“Paula Deen: What’s Nexx, Y’All?”
~A Discussion at the Dinner Table~
HOST: Good evening, and welcome to “Paula Deen: What is Next You All?” A round table discussion gathering some of the finest minds in media, entertainment, publicity, and political spin to unravel the thick–
UNKNOWN WOMAN’S VOICE: ‘Scuse me. Just gotta get these deep fried salads on the table for all a y’all. Elbows off the serving space, please.
HOST: –as I was saying. …the unraveling of a highly public figure, both as a business, and a brand name, in the extremely competitive market of converting undereducated & economically challenged human beings into waterbeds. I’m your host Trent Thunderhawk, and joining me tonight are former Hollywood exec, David Garland.
DAVID GARLAND: Thank you for having m–
UNKNOWN WOMAN’S VOICE: Garland? Is that Hebrewish? Want me to butter‘n‘bread-fry some that matzah, y’all love so much?
DAVID GARLAND: No, thank you, and my heritage is irreleva–
HOST: Also, with us, is Executive Story Supervisor for World Wrestling Promotions, and internationally famous masked wrestler, “El Gato Loco, Numero Dos“. Gracias para joining us, this evening.
[smattering of applause]
UNKNOWN WOMAN’S VOICE: Don’t you fret your adorable lil mask off, we got plenty of taquitos in the fryer, and Pablo, the kitchen boy, speaks all the MexEcan you’ll need to feel right at casa.
HOST: …and rounding out our guests tonight, are internet gossip blogger, Guerrero KardSassyan, [uncomfortable silence] …and rightwing political pundit, Amber Culver.
This panel of experts will attempt to dissect the recent media mismanagement by Paula Deen regarding race, how to spin popular public opinion back to her favor, and both of which while eating a bountiful meal served by our hostess, the aforementioned Ms Deen, herself.
PAULA DEEN: Don’t mind me, y’all. Just have yer lil chat, and pretend I’m not even here. Treat me like I’d treat a Swede.
[Amber Culver laughs]
HOST: Fantastic. [clears throat] Let’s begin with Mr KardSassyan. In your own words, please descri–
GUERRERO KARDSASSYAN: I don’t have my own words. I’ll use the ones everybody else uses. [giggles] [imitating squirting/fart noises with mouth] [more giggling] Paula Deen’s problem is, she’s an overweight, old moober with a dye job from The Simpsons. [oinking noises] I mean, like, noooobody likes her– [coughing] –total fake– [coughing harder] –rednec– [gasping] [coughing] [wheezing]
[multiple audible gasps heard]
HOST: It appears Mr KardSassyian has died. Can one of the other panelists please check his pulse?
DAVID GARLAND: No pulse. Call an ambulance!
AMBER CULVER: See what goes on under Obamacare?
SHOW DIRECTOR: (loud speaker) We can shoot around him and edit his speech in post production. Just move on.
HOST: Alright. Moving on. Mr Loco Numero Dos, how–
DAVID GARLAND: This man needs medical attention! What is wrong with you people??!
HOST: He *needed* medical attention. That wouldn’t help at this point. However, this is a union production crew, and if they go into meal penalty while we’re waiting for two paramedics to perform CPR on a dead man, not a single one of us will work for this network again. Shall we continue?
AMBER CULVER: Without him, it frees up another two to five minutes of on camera screen time for all of us.
HOST: Well put. Mr Loco Numero Dos, how would you describe the effects of making race-based slipups in a politically correct climate intolerant of such insensitivity?
A shrug is not a sufficient answer, sir.
Okay. You appear to be pantomiming breaking something over your knee. Now you’re holding up an angry fist. A verrryy angry fist. Now, you’ve got intolerance in a sleeper hold. Okay. You’ve-You’ve climbed up onto your chair, aaaaand…
[crash] [loud thud]
[plates breaking/cutlery clinks]
…you’ve plummeted through the table, destroying the entire dining experience. Avant garde, yet not going to make you any friends on Yelp.
Ms Culver, in your opin–
DAVID GARLAND: This is insanity. Another man just died in front of you, and you make a Yelp reference??? You’re not Bruce Willis! These are humans! They deserve respect for their life lived. Not to have their existence ignored!
HOST: As I was saying, Ms Culver, in your opinion, can Paula Deen ever recover from the stigma of being thought of as a racist?
AMBER CULVER: Being labeled a racist is one of the saddest things that can happen to an affluent white person. They feel social shunning from others at boat regattas, cotillions, and sweet 16 parties thrown on private islands.
PAULA DEEN: Now, I dunno what y’all been doing, but when I left this room to deep fry the ice cubes for y’alls sodas, there were not two dead Hispanic fellas sprawled on the floor on top of my splintered dinner table and place settin’s. One of y’all needs to fess up around here.
DAVID GARLAND: Paula, these people are crazy. We need to get you out of here. You’re not a bad person. You’re just dumb. You don’t mean to hurt people, or hold anyone back. You simply are a remaining relic of a rapidly dying school of thought that will eventually be history; and we’ll both be history, today, if we don’t get out of here, now!
AMBER CULVER: Everything you just said was completely laughable, and I demand an apology! Racism in America is one hundred and seven percent dead. Has been since the nineteen seventie– [coughing] [hacking] –No.– [gasping] –someone call a doct– [coughing]
PAULA DEEN: Don’t you go brea–
[loud thud] [plate cracks]
There goes my last plate.
Oh well. My cookie dough muffins are coming out of the deep fryer in just a spell. You fellas look like you could use a bit o the sweets to calm your nerves. I’ll be back inna blink.
HOST: Now, Mr Garland, in your experience in Hollywood, are people able to recov–
DAVID GARLAND: They’re all dead. The director. The grip key guy-dude. The makeup lady who put her boobs on my shoulder. All of them. All dea- You killed them! It has to be you. The media. This is what you do. You destroy people to make money. You don’t care who gets hurt along the way. Men. Women. Children. Some silly old redneck lady. You only want ratings to sell commercials. It’s you!!
[loud thud] [cutlery rattles]
PAULA DEEN: My goodness. This has got to be the oddest party I’ve hosted since that time I made a lard sculpture of Siegfried caressing a buttery Roy for a bengal tiger garden party centerpiece.
DAVID GARLAND: Paula, it’s you. You killed us with your food. People said that’s what you were trying to do all along, but I didn’t believe them. It’s the only possible explanation, but why? Why would you do any of this awful stuff?
PAULA DEEN: I is- – what I is.
[David Garland coughing]
[loud thud] [cutlery rattles]
WOMAN’S VOICE: Well, hey there! You’re a good lookin’ gal, and the only one around here not on a siesta. My name’s Paula Deen. I’m here to cook for some nice people. Do you know where the kitchen is?
PAULA DEEN: (gruff) I ain’t the guy to ask, lady. If you’ll excuse me, I gotta catch a train back to flavortown.