Election

Hi guys! Have you missed me? What’s that? You haven’t even noticed I was gone? Ok, well that was rude. Today I’m just going to offer advice on a topic I want to talk about because, let’s be frank, the questions I had queued were really dumb. Sorry! They were.

Again, should you be taking advice from me? No way – I cried on three different trains yesterday and I usually wait till I have a headache to drink water. But let’s. get. started.

On dating married men:

Dating married men is a bad idea. Haha, what if that was it? The end! Anyway, dating married men IS a bad idea, we all know this. But this is bad advice. So let’s continue. There are different ways you may find yourself in this situation. Now, of course, I would never ever do this. BUTIFIDID, it would be because I kept getting dudes on the tail end of their marriage/divorce proceedings started. This is a polite way of the man saying, “Yes, technically we are both assholes for dating while another woman still shares my last name, but she doesn’t share my bed so you are welcome to it, it’s yours (it’s still warm!)” so there you have it. Also, I was a guttersnipe who thought that since I was unattached, I wasn’t doing anything wrong. And I kiiiiinda still do, ok.

Out of all the myriads of married men I’ve been with, loads and loads and loads and loads of them, I put them into two categories: kids and no kids. If you are going to take a dip in your neighbour’s pool, please make sure that pool has no rubber duckies in it.

First off, kids are disgusting.
Secondly, you will never win. Never.

That lil doe-eyed, fart-buster will dictate where you live, when you have sex, and ultimately, if you and your still-has-a-wedding-ring-tanline dude stay together. One time I had a date with the Hottest Man in the World (HMITW). Then I received the dreaded, “Surprise! I have the child tonight” call, and knew I would no longer be getting lucky. The worst part? I fell madly in love with her! This is a devastating side effect. I wanted to hold her all the time, put different outfits on her, and when we stopped seeing one another (although I barely thought of HMITW), I still remember she smelled like playdoh and strawberries. So keep it child-free.

Married dudes go through something I like to call “Second Adolescence”. This usually results in starting a band, wearing hats, getting drunk, and using social media a LOT (Don’t check in on foursquare. Don’t nobody care where you are!). It’s weird and will remind you more of your (hot) dad than a hot bf but you gotta let them do them, I guess. Or don’t, and don’t date them, that’s kinda the point of this post. This means you have to start going to their gigs, and pretend it’s as exciting as it was when you were seventeen, instead of scary and sad. But you HAVE to go. Otherwise, there will be some slutty divorced mom tail ready to pounce. It’s highschool all over again.

Can we talk about the upside? This dude thinks you are exotic because he’s been married to one lady for a minute. Automatically your music is cool, your outfits are sexy, your moves are mindblowing. And you are giving it, like, 35%. Also, if you have mental problems, like I might (wink, wink), you will find his confusing fear of/longing for relationships a turn-on. Writing this post is reminding me I probably have some amends to make …

In the end, these fellas are more trouble than they are worth, but they are fun and have I offended everyone yet? No? Here’s to infidelity. Hail Satan. Send.

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