Welcome! This is a safe space where we can talk about everything from Beyonce’s fake pregnancy stomach to the fact that social media is RUINING our lives. Should you be taking advice from me? Certainly not – my favourite lifetime movie is the one about the three sisters with different moms who have to live together on a ranch for a year. But let’s get started …
I rent a room in New York and lately my roommate is REALLY starting to scare me. She says ominous things, uses spells, and occasionally speaks in tongues! I’m afraid she’s going to cast a spell on me. Besides looking for another place to live, what can I do? – MT”
I’m assuming you are full on looking all the time for a new place, and that is the correct course of action. I really need more details in this story though, so can you email me privately? How did you meet, what does she look like, in fact, can you just invite me over? Also, is playing “Witchy Woman” loudly all the time an option? I’m just going to ask you a lot of questions.
As they say, you need to fight fire with fire (I mean, it seems like you just end up with more fire but ok). So you need to get weird:
You definitely want to smudge your place when she’s not around, especially your area and your body. Smudging is the ancient practice of taking a bundle of white sage, lighting it on fire, and waving it around like a lunatic. No, it’s actually a really great thing to do, it cleanses bad energy and will potentially help you find a man (bonus)! Burn some white candles, and then, hell, line your walls with aluminum foil. Also take some white salt, and make a line of it across your bedroom door. This will keep out negative forces and also bed bugs? Have you checked to make sure your roommate isn’t a giant bed bug?
Maybe it’s time for you to become a nudist?
Full disclosure, I’m so tempted to try some of those wiccan spells you see on the internet. Does she know how to do any of those? Like the ones you see to break people up, etc? I just really need to make a house call and maaaaybe move in with you guys. See you soon, rooms!
“I’m interested in my coworker. Her hair smells nice all the time, and she smiles at me a lot, so I think she could like me too? How do I make the first move? What if I’m wrong? – Anon”
Yeeeeeuh oh. This is dangerous territory. I’ve been there once or twice myself and it only ends in disaster. Are you both carnies? Then it might be ok, as there are plenty of ways to avoid people at a carnival (trust me on that one), but not that many in an office. Awkward run-ins are made even more awkward when you have to see them every day, and find out what kind of cake they want for their shared office birthday party (trick question, it’s bread pudding).
However, apparently lot of people meet their life partners at work. So, if you are right, this could potentially be your wife (no pressure, no pressure)! If you are wrong, it’s not a big deal, you will just ruin your life and career, and should probably fall off the face of the earth.
Next time the two of you are making copies, tell her you like her blouse and the fact that it’s a lil see-through so you can sort of see the lace on her bra. Pay attention to the snacks she likes, and get her something from the machine next time you are there. Put it in your pants pocket, and have her reach in and fish it out. When she leans over your laptop, smell her hair, snip off a lock, and stuff it in your mouth. I have no idea what you should do. I enjoyed photocopying my middle finger and putting the copies in every single drawer of a guy’s desk, but I do that to everyone. Be nice and ask her for a drink after work?
Do you have a question that needs my tender and delicate attention? Email me at email@example.com.