It’s Valentine’s Day, and if you want a shot at getting into her box of chocolates at the end of the night, you’re going to have to bring your A-game in wooing her, Romeo.
Now, you’re a dude. You have no idea what women want. Your gut says flowers and chocolates, but your Facebook page is filled with women bitching about how unoriginal flowers and chocolates are. You know you need to feed her some sort of meal, but like, you could buy enough beer for two weeks with what you’d spend on taking her out! But what’s the alternative? Cook for her? That’s not really your thing unless Ramen is romantic if served over candlelight. (It isn’t.)
Ideally, you’d have worked out the plan for that special woman whose nether region you’d like to gain access to tonight before now, but like I previously mentioned, you’re a dude. Lucky for you, I just so happen to be packing a pair of ovaries and came up with a last-minute, easy-to-pull-off plan sure to get you into her end zone:
1. Prime The Pump
Now if you’re shooting for butt stuff, you’re gonna have to lube up her heart first. The important thing to remember here is that less is more. Don’t start the day by vomiting heart and kiss emoticons at her and wishing her a happy Valentine’s Day. Act like you forgot it’s Valentine’s Day altogether, which should be easy cuz you’re a dude and you did. Make her spend the day watching floral arrangement after floral arrangement stack up on all her coworkers’ desks. Indulge in her optimism that the next one is for her, then let it dwindle to a near-nonexistent state. When she’s so desperate for love and attention that she’s eyeing the office janitor and posting pouty Instagram pics of her face, that’s when you make your move. Send her a JibJab Ecard – something with kittens puking rainbows and shitting hearts. Girls love kittens, rainbows and hearts. Make sure it plays something super romantic, but lively and loud so all her coworkers will hear it and be way jealous. I suggest “Livin’ La Vida Loca.” In the personal message section of the Ecard, write “Dude, got an epic surprise planned 4 u 2nite!”
2. Epic Surprise
You promised an epic surprise, and now’s the time to bring it, bro. Screw bringing her to a fancy restaurant. That’s what every guy does. Plus, it’s cheaper to get her drunk at home. Her home. Yours is a mess and you don’t have time to clean the pubes from the toilet. And shower. And sink. And fridge. Break into her house and surprise her when she gets home with a meal you made yourself. Well, a meal you’ll trick her into THINKING you made yourself, you sly bastard. While en route to breaking and entering into her dwelling, pull through the good ol’ drive-thru. This part should feel familiar to you. I suggest Taco Bell since it has an exotic feel and will help loosen up the area you’re aiming to gain an invite to. Now, you want her to think you slaved over the stove all day, so unwrap those bad boy Doritos Locos and put ‘em on some plates. Then light the wrappers on fire so it smells like you burned shit while cooking. Girls expect men to burn shit when they cook. Plus, you’re getting rid of the evidence. Pair the meal with the vodka with the highest alcohol content the money you found between your couch cushions can afford ya and you’ll be steering toward her rear in no time!
3. Set The Mood
Now’s the time to bring it on home, cowboy. After your eyes stop stinging from the Mace she sprayed in them after finding you in her home, light some candles and set the mood with some music. You’re probably thinking some Barry Manilow, maybe Boyz II Men? Wrong. This is a classy woman you want to perform a classy act with. She’ll see right through you pulling out the overplayed Valentine’s classics. Show her you can be romantic on your own, without copying from a romcom. Here’s a start to the perfect romantic Valentine’s Day playlist to get her in the mood:
- R. Kelly – Bump N’ Grind
- Silk – Freak Me (I Wanna Lick You Up and Down)
- Akinyele – Put it In My Mouth
- Lil Kim featuring 50 Cent – Magic Stick
- 50 Cent – Candy Shop
- Brian McKnight – If You’re Ready To Learn (How Your Pussy Works)
- 2 Live Crew – Pop That Pussy
- Khia – My Neck, My Back
- Dustin Lynch – She Cranks My Tractor
- Jordan Knight – Give It To You
Drive It Home
If the panties aren’t dropped and she’s not bent over by this point, then I don’t know what to tell ya, bro. She must be a lesbian or something. Good luck out there and Happy Valentine’s Day!!!!