I will confess, I have taken pictures of my own butt. The reasons for which shan’t be disclosed, since they are top secret and protected by the United States government.
It doesn’t really matter why I do it. Any reason is ridiculous to be doing acrobatic yoga in front of my mirror, trying to figure out which position is most flattering (it’s none of them). Yet, as I tear my hamstrings throwing my legs over my head, I want to offer the following advice to all the other ladies taking pictures of their derrière.
Light some candles. Throw some rose petals on that shit. Make sure to clean your room before taking those butt pics, you dirty slut. Because we all know instead of looking at a bent over naked woman, men will surely be noticing the crumbs on your bed, the mountain of sweaty clothes next to you, the empty bags of potato chips on your floor. He’ll think, “What a pig. I can’t believe I would allow someone such a reprehensible human being to send me pictures of her butt.”
If you’re too lazy to clean your room, then embrace the filth. Use it to your advantage. Rub the crumbs all over your naked body. Use the pile of clothes to elevate your legs. Run your tongue along the bag of potato chips as you snap the picture.
Here is where your artistic vision plays a key role in your butt pic. Do you want to go au naturale, with no underwear? Do you want to go decorative, with a frilly thong that gives your ass crack a rash? Or, do you want to go avant-garde, à la Lady Gaga and hang strings of raw meat around your hip bones?
Whatever you choose, remember to be bold. A butt pic is just a butt pic, but the details are what make your butt pic unique. If you’re going with no underwear, write a love poem on your cheeks in lipstick. If you’re going Lady Gaga style, don’t be terrified of the rabid squirrels breaking through your window to eat your raw meat underwear
Now that you’ve decorated your set and picked out your costume, it’s time to find what position works best for you! Taking the perfect butt pic requires flexibility, grace and a little acrobatics.
Knowing your butt type is key to choosing your position. Got a butt flat as a pancake? You’re gonna wanna pop that shit out, girl. Got an apple bottom bootie? Go into downward facing dog. Got a big ole earthquake-shaking, brainwave-breaking, gunshot-taking badonkadonk? Glue your phone to the wall and stand approximately thirty feet away and use a javelin spear to press the picture button.
4. Camera Angle
This is the most difficult step. You want to make sure to get your whole butt and nothing but the butt in your picture. It may be tough, but don’t give up and be a cheat by taking a picture of the side of your knee.
Stretching your arm out gets tiresome after about an hour of self-portraits. Have you considered Arm Extension Surgery? It’s not legal in the United States, but rumor has it some doctors in Mexico will extend your arms up to twenty feet in exchange for 100 pesos and a Bluray copy of We Bought a Zoo.
If Arm Extension Surgery seems too dangerous, use your house pets as photographers. Duct tape your phone to your cat and refuse to give him food until he takes the perfect photograph.
I hope this advice tips helps, but I know sometimes photographing your own assets can prove too difficult for even the strongest and most independent of women.
So, if this is the case ladies, when he asks for a butt pic, just tell him, “Is it worth it? Let me work it. I put my phone down, flip it and reverse it and ESKERTMEPFLEPINYENMEH IF YOU WANT TO SEE MY BUTT JUST COME OVER WITH A FEW GLASSES OF WINE, IT WILL BE MUCH EASIER THAT WAY.”