Welcome! This is a safe space where we can talk about everything from the fact that since you sexually experimented with a girl that one time you’ve chosen to pretend you don’t wrestle with lesbian tendencies, to the fact that your cat is possessed by beelzebub. Should you be taking advice from me? Certainly not, I once dated an older man who looked exactly like my dad. But let’s get started!

“Say you’re on a date with a guy that you really like and all of a sudden you realize that, along with whatever delicious food you were eating, you just took a bite of something that feels like it shouldn’t be in your mouth (a metal screw, for example, or someone’s extensions), do you, eh-hem, swallow it like a lady or do you, as sexily as possible, remove it and bravely bare the aftermath of what ensues?” – Dasha

Dash, this is a great question. Extensions, crowns, rat feet, all of these are possible date-busters. But they don’t need to be!

You take a nice lady-size bite of whatever food you thought wouldn’t get stuck in your teeth (greens, seasoning, all out. C’mon). Suddenly, there is a metal screw in your mouth. This is an OPPORTUNITY. Manuever it around until it just slightly pokes from between your pout. Then pull all your hair over one shoulder, maintain eye contact (doe eyes, doe eyes, bambi eyes, big baby bambi eyes. No wait, don’t cry), then slowly un-screw the screw from your mouth! It will be like a sexy, metal, pointy striptease. Then after you finish, wiggle your fingers in his face and whisper “Magic.”

This doesn’t just apply to screws. Let’s talk about rat’s feet. Remember that time a guy found one in the Sabra hummus? He could have turned it into a turn ON by using his tongue to make the foot wave at his date! She’d definitely be interested in that oral dexterity.

You take a bite of crusty fronch bread (again, why would you do that? You shouldn’t be eating bread), and have a searing pain eminating from a loose crown. What next? Smile, open your mouth broadly, and let it gently fall onto your plate and say “You are so sweet you make my teeth fall out.”

If the foreign object is an extension, you can braid it, you can rapunzel it, you can comb it with your fork and tuck it behind your ear, but I prefer a lasso. Swing it around and catch your man!


This isn’t a question, but it’s something I’ve wanted to address. Negging. What is it? Why should I care? Doesn’t it only happen around halloween?

Urban Dictionary defines negging as: “Low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances.” This seems to be increasing in popularity. I’m pretty dumb and didn’t realize this has been a thing for a while, and didn’t even realize it was being used on me a bunch. Some guys have told me it’s like pulling a girl’s hair when you like her. Are you a sociopath? Pulling hair and negging are bullying and abusive. Sorry! That’s how it works.

Ladies, I know it’s hard to respect yourself a little more than pond scum, with what the media tells us all the time, but you have to. You just have to. If a guy is subtly putting you down, or sandwiching trash talk between compliments, call him out, “Wait. You just negged me.” You don’t have to be mean, he might be Forest Gumping because all the blood is rushing to his peepee. Or he was the victim of a frontal lobe caper. It’s like Mary the mother of Jesus said in the bible: “With a taste of your lips I’m on a ride, you’re toxic, I’m slipping under. With a taste of a poison paradise, I’m addicted to you. Don’t you know that you’re toxic?”

Here’s a super cool example of negging I received:


God, I miss him.


Do you have a question that needs my tender and delicate attention? Email me at pascalledugay@gmail.com.

Featured Writers

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos is a writer living in Los Angeles who learned at a tender age that if...

Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian who splits her time between her hometown...

Jake Riordan

Jake Riordan

Jake went to college with Impersonals editor Matt Brand, and there was instant...

Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski is a writer, performer and 1,000-year-old dragon that engulfs his...

Listen to The Impersonals Podcast, feat. interviews w great tweeters