Back in 2009, had it not been for the selfish, spotlight stealing, me first, it’s gotta be about me, Kanye West storming the stage to steal the mic from a then innocent Taylor Swift and thrusting her into mainstream America via every website, because you can’t spell America without “WE WILL BLOW THINGS OUT OF PROPORATION,” I probably would’ve never known who she was. But alas I do. And by not knowing who she was, I would have been 100% ok with that. When I tell someone I don’t like Taylor Swift, which I do nearly every chance I get, the reaction is always equal to the exact look murderers get when they walk into a courtroom.
“How can you NOT like Taylor Swift?”
“She’s so sweet, you are sooooooooo mean.”
“You’re a terrible human being.”
“YOU HATE TAYLOR SWIFT!!!! It’s like hating America. Oh my God, you hate America.”
Yes I have heard all of those things. Oh, but I’m sure you want to know why I don’t like her. It is simple. It’s because Taylor Swift’s music makes my ears bleed. The kind of bleeding that only occurs when someone blows an eardrum, on purpose. All of her songs have the same meaning:
My ex-boyfriend sucks
you’re not getting back with me
I wrote a song about you
but it’s not really about you (insert girly giggle that they do in songs)
love me please. I need to be loved. Why won’t you love me boy.
your loss. Yes. Your loss. I’m a catch. Like a rare diamond.
love me please.
And all of that will equal a top hit. Every teeny bopper in America is humming it. The radio stations will play it so much that I’ll stop listening to the radio as a result. And that song lands her the next boyfriend who somehow thinks, “I can be better than the last guy.” Next guy, the moment you two go out for your first date of milkshakes and clay sculpting, she’s judging you and she is writing notes about all the things she doesn’t like about you just so she can include them in her next “hit song.” So guys, if that doesn’t make you hate her, here are 5 reasons why you should:
1. All of her songs are about us, guys. Like that stupid catchy song “We are never ever ever,” whatever nonsense. Let me tell you this. If a girl played that for me, I would literally say. “THANK. GOD. Because if you are quoting her, you have no creativity of your own and you suck. So I’m glad we didn’t work out. Also, I peed in your shower.” Matter of fact, I would take a full page ad out in the newspaper, saying as such. I mean who cares. Move on. Build a bridge and skip over it instead of writing a song about it. Trust me, the guy that hears the song she wrote about him is most likely thinking “I am so glad that I dodged that big crazy bullet. Like the size of Bullet Bill.” Instead of moving on to the next phase of her life and relationships, she decides to demoralize the poor guy in one of her songs to make herself feel better, and try to force the world to hate that guy.
2. T. Swift tries to play the innocent card, but she’s not innocent. Children taking crayons to the walls of their home because they don’t know better, that is innocent. You stop being innocent after your first public breakup. After that you’re free game, because in a breakup it takes two. And trust me, if you’re randomly breaking up with every guy you date after, as the tabloids put it, “a steamy love affair,” and immediately you’re with another guy in those same tabloids three days later, there’s a lot more than meets the eye, Swift. Either she has commitment issues or she is an attention whore. If I were a betting man, I’d go with the latter. She’s had more boyfriends in the last three years (15), than I’ve had girlfriends in my entire life (8), and I’m ten years older than her. (Count them courtesy of Al Gore’s Internet: Justin Gaston, Joe Jonas, Lucas Till, Taylor Lautner, John Mayer, Cory Monteith, Toby Hemingway, Jake Gyllenhaal, Chord Overstreet, Garrett Hedlund, Will Anderson, Zac Efron, Patrick Schwarzenegger, Conor Kennedy, Harry Styles).
Sidenote: John Mayer, that guy makes the rounds in Hollywood. Garret Hedlund, I like you. You are forgiven for this. Patrick Schwarzenegger, I don’t know you, but I hope you broke up with her like “I won’t be back.”
Quite the list, right?
3. She will be the first to break up with a guy DURING their wedding, only to have another guy waiting in the wings to step into his place, just so her big moment isn’t ruined. Fact. She can’t have her big day ruined, and when it does, she will be prepared with a song that she wrote as she strolled into the chapel. She’s sort of like the good guy in wrestling who turns bad. You’ve seen it. Classic example. Hulk Hogan going to the NWO. You think, how can Hulk Hogan do this, and then you think about it and come to the conclusion of, it was only a matter of time.
4. She seems like the type of person to drink the last drop of orange juice and leave an empty carton in there just to start a fight. I’m willing to bet that this is how she and Taylor Lautner broke up. OR she hit him with the “Hey, Taylor (giggles every time because they have the same name) I really hate Twilight. Vampires are better than werewolves.” Of which Lautner turns into a werewolf and runs away into the night, never to be seen from again.
5. This girl walks around like she shits rainbows and sunshine. I mean, no one is THAT nice. Ever. It’s like she’s been fake for so long, it’s just practiced. Her lovability seems like it’s rehearsed a thousand times in the mirror until the mirror screams “I LOVE YOU BITCH,” and then breaks itself out of shame. Guys, don’t fall for her innocence. It’s fake. Also she has a diary of songs that she’s waiting to release based on her breakups. I bet it’s just like a movie: Light a candle, lay on bed, pull diary from underneath pillow, twirl hair, magical box of tissue appears from nowhere, cries a bit, writes, lays on pillow in fetal position, gets up screams “I will survive” while raising both fists in air, rolls around on the ground with her seemingly endless supply of kittens and puppies, grabs a carton of gluten-free ice cream, watches girly movies, cries self to sleep with single tear under left eye. (Nailed it).
Bonus for the ladies: If you are going to keep thinking like Taylor Swift, watch how many cats you’ve amassed while you’re old and lonely. Kids will stand in front of your home staring and pointing at the old lady who lives alone like a hoarder with 200 cats and you’re left pondering why you listened to her in the first place, while you eat ramen and change 300 litter boxes.
Seriously though, when she can write a song that doesn’t secretly involve man bashing or her self-proclaimed innocence, then I may change my mind. I mean, it seems like she is dating guys just so she can write her next hit song. Know what would actually be impressive; make it through a relationship that lasts longer than a Mento. Better yet, make it through a relationship that is longer than a Mento and if you breakup, how about you NOT write a song about it.
At this rate, would anyone be surprised if she was arrested for Lorena Bobbiting a dude, and getting acquitted during the trial because she sung a jaunty song about dismembering that guy for life? Not in the slightest. Until then men, hate Taylor Swift. I mean, hate with a capital H. Not because I’m telling you to, but because all of the facts are laid out before you. And as we know, if it appears on the internet, it’s true.