It’s a new year, and time for a new you! Because you’re newly single! You weren’t single just a moment ago. But now you are. You’re. So. Very. Single.
And you were single for New Years when you thought it’d be a good idea to make-out with that guy who smelled like an aged cheese platter, because he was hanging out by the aged cheese platter all night.
And you were single on Christmas when you cried yourself to sleep in the reindeer sweater Aunt Melissa knit for you, which left a REALLY WEIRD sleep wrinkle on your neck from the bell she sewed onto Rudolph’s nose.
BUT you weren’t single on December 10th when you ordered that XL men’s J Crew sweater in Heather Grey monogrammed with his initials WHICH IS NOT RETURNABLE BECAUSE JCREW IS QUITE FIRM ON THEIR POLICY OF NOT ACCEPTING MONOGRAMED GOODS AS RETURNS.
Like any well-put-together, totally-under-control Cosmo Girl, we know you are handling this break up JUST FINE JOSH. However, here are a few Cosmo tips to help you through it!
Do – Exercise More. It’ll kick start your endorphins and make you skinnier, so that when you run into your ex, he’ll be like “Whoa is that 2011 Leanne Rimes?” and you’ll be like “No. It’s me. And I weigh 94 pounds.”
Don’t – Exercise Less.
Do – Yeah, do that.
Don’t – Turn to alcohol as a coping technique.
Do – Turn to alcohol as a FUN technique!
4. Make Up
Do – Indulge in some new make up! Coverup can’t cover up your broken heart, but it can hide your new puffy red face.
Don’t – Forget to buy waterproof mascara.
5. Social Media and Chat Aps
Do – Block him on Gchat, Twitter, Facebook, IM, Text, Calls, WhatsAp, and Skype. BECAUSE YOU DO NOT NEED HIM IN YOUR LIFE.
Don’t – Block him on Gchat, Twitter, Facebook, IM, Text, Calls, WhatsAp, or Skype. Because you still need to be able to stalk him.
Don’t – Fall for that “living well is the best revenge” BS. Instead, pretend to be living well by Tweeting pics of yourself having THEBESTTIMEEVER even if you’re crying on the inside.
Do – Hook up with the person he is closest to. It’s probably his mom. (For tips on girl-on-girl action, see “A Cosmo Girl’s Guide – 10 Dos and Don’ts for Pretending to be Gay to Get Guys”)