Bad Date

Now, I don’t mean the birds-and-the-bees talk. My mom told me that when I was 13; either not very explicitly or I just wasn’t paying attention because it took me another year to figure out what a condom actually was (sort of thought it was some kind of device that connected two people and made a portal that the sex went through(?)) No I don’t mean the sex talk, I mean the dating talk. The What To Expect When You’re Expecting A Relationship You’ve Seen In Movies talk. A list of helpful guidelines or reminders, perhaps. Something timeless that I could pass down to my future daughter (unless machines have taken over at that point like in The Matrix and new humans are made in labs using condom portal devices (?)) So here is a somewhat brief list of things I wish my mom told me when I first started dating.

Dearest Erica,

Congratulations! You finally have your first boyfriend. And I mean finally- I was super worried about never getting grandchildren jeez you’re like 16 what took so long. But never mind that! Now that you’ve entered the cold-hearted cutthroat reality that is the dating world, I’d like to give you some helpful tips to prepare you for some things that those endless hours of watching romantic comedies didn’t prepare you for. (PS, totes kidding about the grankids joke; don’t have kids or sex until you’re 30.)

1.  Because Hollywood is a deceitful malicious liar, you’re probably convinced that true love is just around the corner, or at the next run-in at the nearest coffee shop. Yeeeeaaaaahhhhh….no. In reality your true love is probably busy fooling around with college sluts for the next couple of years until he matures and realizes he wants a relationship. Hopefully that’s when you come by! But you’ll probably be dating some loser at that point and the timing will be totally wrong.

2.  Seriously, don’t date losers. You’re better than that. Unless you drop out of college in which I’m declaring you a loser and cutting you off. Just remember Mommy loves you dearly.

3.  There’s always the possibility that you’ll die alone. Just being realistic okay, stop crying.

4.  Never, ever date someone you met at a club. Don’t give your number out at clubs. Christ, don’t even go to clubs. They suck. Just stay home and drink in your room alone where it’s safe.

5.  You’ll probably have to deal with guys who date you just for your looks. Don’t worry too much about them because you’ll probably do the same at some point. You can be a little shallow, dear. Hopefully you overcome that, or else you’ll end up marrying a poor hot guy and going to work at a food processing company because that’s the only job you could find in this economy. But hey! at least he’s in a BAND.

6.  Throughout your dating endeavors, you’ll find that some men just aren’t mature enough for you. Or actually, not even manly enough for you. Or even worse, more girly than you. I don’t mean that you’ll accidentally date a gay man (although that’ll probably happen at least once) I’m saying you’ll have to deal with men that act like little boys by complaining about everything, expecting you to compliment and text them first, being awkward around you with his friends, and toying with your emotions because he’s a flighty little girl who’s too afraid to confront his own feelings. You can either deal with this and continue to date what is pretty much a whiny girl with a penis (hopefully not really, because trannies freak mommy out) or drop him like a hot potato and find yourself a real man. Also stop holding hot potatoes. Burn scars aren’t sexy.

7.  Don’t marry someone unless you’ve dated them for, like, at LEAST forever. AT LEAST.

That’s all I have for now my sweet. Never forget that Mommy loves you very much and was totally serious about the not having sex until you’re 30 thing. Sex is gross and overrated and doesn’t get good until that age anyway, probably. Focus on your career and shit.

Hugs and kisses and stay in school or I swear to God I’ll cut you off. Smooches! Love, Mom.

FOLLOW ERICA ON TWITTER.
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