This weekend I went to the Atlanta Medieval Times which is the best one I have been to so far and not because it was better than the others but because I paid close attention to the people. My friend and I sat next to a mother, father, and dorky son combination. It swelled my heart to see them have such a great time and be excited about the possibility that our knight would not be on painkillers for this performance. Then our knight galloped out.

5. Sir Percocet of Do Whut?

I don’t want to tell you the color of the knight that we had just in case they have Google alerts and read this. But if you mixed blue water color paint and yellow water color paint you would get the color of our knight minus the water color paint. I say that assuming that the people at Medieval Times are not schooled in the trade of paints. The reason I deemed him Sir Percocet is because he reminded me so much of a “friend” I have that dabbles in the pill trade. Also he kept falling off his horse and sucking at the games.

Our knight lost a lot of the games to which I think they were most likely rigged. Seriously man, try harder! I’m the one that has to wear your losing colors on my paper hat as I walk out the door!

4. The Princess

Then it was time for the princess, MISS DUMPINGTON!!!* I have no idea if I was attracted to her because she was dressed as a princess or because she was a smoking hottie from Sincenaghty. Either way I put her in the files.*

*Miss Dumpington- Usually a female with fairly large and attractive hind quarters. Upon seeing a lady with large attractive hind quarters is not unusual to scream out “MISS DUMPINGTON!”

*To put in the files- Also known as spank bank.

3. Southern Accents/British Accents

I am not sure where all this action and valor is supposed to take place but I did find it amusing to hear the serving wenches go from a British accents to a southern ones as soon as they think you are out of ear shot. “Greetings Lord and Lady, please be seated.” Two beats later: “Hell, I told her she was actin’ like a complete twat block and for her to go back inside her double wide.”

2. The Horses

Watching the horses was a bit odd, yes they were graceful and beautiful but they were also slobbering like Jaba’s horny tongue as he pulls Princess Leia closer to him. (I am sorry for that Star Wars reference) Then they were doing acts of…grace? 

1. Having to Stop Myself From Daydreaming About Being a Knight

I have no idea if anyone else has this problem when they are beholding all that is great about Medieval Times but I have to constantly “check” myself. I will start daydreaming about being a knight and fighting for the love of the princess. Then I think about what it would really be like. I would be walking around
in horse shit pretending to fight Todd who used to be an accountant at Wells Fargo while getting paid minimum wage. OH and the Princess? Well she is too good to go on a date with a knight that makes minimum wage so she goes out with Jeffery, her high school boyfriend who she lost her virginity to yet felt so bad about it since she was raised in a Christian household that she has to marry him. She is just waiting for him to propose but he is never going to because he believes he deserves better but we all know he doesn’t. He spends most of his weekends getting drunk at the local coin laundry and if he is lucky he might be able to pick up a couples shifts at Benihana.


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