If you follow me on Twitter, you probably already know I adore Alyssa Kramer, a.k.a. @kramediggles. In fact, our Twitter love was immortalized in a HuffPo Women article. (My mom thought Alyssa was “hilarious” and “darling.” No word on what she thought about me. I’ll let you guys know when I do. Any day now.)
Alyssa is so funny and so awesome that she quickly became my favorite person to DM and RT and do other things that you can shorten to initials with. (LOL, anyone? Ohgawd. I’m sorry. Truly sorry.) Anyway, Alyssa is a badass. She loves Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Les Miserables as much as I do (which is practically impossible). She also drives a Honda Fit JUST LIKE ME so I’ve decided we’re twins despite the fact that I’m older than she is and we look nothing alike and we live on opposite sides of the country.
Alyssa’s tweets have been known to make me cry-laugh. She tends to either say exactly what you’ve been thinking but way WAY funnier or to tweet something completely out of left field that makes you squeal with delight. She’s also a hilarious writer of things that are more than 140-characters. Check her out on Jack.FM, Tumblr, Slackstory and right here on The Impersonals. Yeah, that’s right. We have Alyssa Kramer writing for us. Suck it, um, people. Yeah!
Here are some of my very favorite @kramediggles tweets. Please try not to fall out of your chair laughing if you’re at work because bosses don’t like that jazz:
I asked Alyssa 10 questions and she gave me 10 fantastic answers. The first 5 were the same ones every Twitterviewee gets and the last 5 were just for her. (Check out @RobinMcCauley’s hilarious interview from last week, yo!) Are you ready for awesomeness? Okay then:
1. What 2 things would you grab from your house during a fire?
Chapstick. And maybe a backup chapstick. I actually keep a small supply of unopened chapsticks in a drawer in my room to which my friends think is “weird” and “unnecessary,” while I like to think of it more as “prepared.” So, if I could count that whole drawer as one item, then I’d grab the drawer and maybe my phone? You know, so I could Instagram my house burning down.
2. If I forced you at gunpoint to karaoke with me, what would we sing?
In order for me to even consider karaoke, I need to be at least half in the bag. So, assuming that’s the case, the song choice would obviously be something from Les Miserables, because I know both of us are big fans of that musical. I just so happen to play a VERY good Enjolras in “Red & Black.” You could be Marius? If Broadway isn’t an option (because there are soooo many Broadway karaoke bars), I’m also fine with any Pat Benatar or Heart song in existence.
3. What Twitter person (who you haven’t met yet) would you most like to have dinner with?
Ah, there are a lot of people I’d like to meet. You are definitely one of them. But, excluding people who are asking me this question right now, I’d say @MaybeNotSteve. I’ve been following him for about as long as I’ve been on Twitter, and his sense of humor is THE BEST. He’s just incredibly original and hysterical, and I’d bet the money in my bank account ($8.73) that’s he’s even funnier in real life.
4. What would you kick someone out of bed for?
Snoring, pillow-hogging, too much movement, blanket-stealing, too much cuddling, bad breath, wanting to chat too much, not chatting enough, turning on the TV, reading with the light on, having a nightmare and needing to be consoled and maybe a few other things I’m forgetting. I’m fun at sleepovers.
5. Which fictional character do you most identify with?
Hannibal Lector. Just kidding. Hmm, this one is tough. I’m sure I’ll think of a more original answer as soon as this gets published, but I guess I’ll go with Liz Lemon from 30 Rock. Not because I consider myself funny like her or anything, just because I relate to her awkwardness, inappropriate timing, relationship experiences and obnoxious love for food. Throw in Monica Geller’s anal retentiveness and borderline OCD, and you’d basically have me.
6. A lot of your tweets are about work. Have your coworkers discovered your Twitter yet? If so, what was their response?
NO. Oh my God, no. My day job is completely unrelated to my career goal. This isn’t to say that I don’t take it seriously or anything; it’s just a very professional, academic environment where my tweets don’t really belong. And, even though my work tweets are completely exaggerated and sometimes not even true (minus the candy dish tweets which are 100% legit), I’d just rather keep my Twitter out of their lives.
However, there was one thing. I wrote this, and several of my coworkers saw it when the Huffington Post did a write-up. One literally whispered to me in the bathroom, “I saw something today…about a girl…with the same name as you…was it…did you do that?”
I was so caught off guard that I stammered and stuttered for about 5 minutes before I was just like, “uhhhhh gahhhh… yes.” But they were all actually really cool about it.
7. Fuck/Marry/Kill Les Miserables Edition: Jean Valjean/Inspector Javert/ Madame Thénardier. Please explain!
MARRY: Jean Valjean. As if there’s any question here. His whole life is basically a quest for redemption for his corrupt past, which is TOTES ADORBZ.
FUCK: Honestly, the remaining two seem like mouth-breathers, and that’s a heavy turnoff for me. Also, I bet Javert is into some freaky stuff with being so anal retentive about following rules and whatnot. That dude is wound tight. But, Madame Thénardier is totally repulsive and evil. She also seems like someone who doesn’t wash her hair, and that, along with mouth-breathing, is a deal-breaker. Javert it is.
KILL: Sorry, Madame Thénardier. Girl, wash your hair and get back to me.
8. You have to pick one Buffy the Vampire Slayer character to move in with you for a year. Who do you choose? Why?
I will try to keep this answer short, but can’t make any promises as I can talk about this show until the people in the room with me commit suicide. And even then I’d still probably finish my thought before calling 911.
My first choice would be Spike, because, well, DUH. But, living with a vampire could get pretty annoying because he’d sleep like, ALL day and probably wake me up at night with his loud music or murdering or whatever. So then I thought about Buffy. I’d obviously feel super safe with her as my roommate, but I bet that whole “I gotta save the world” bullshit would get really old, really fast. Dawn is way too whiny, as is Anya. Giles is too wise, and would judge my choices. Willow and Tara would annoy me with their PDA. Faith is moody, Angel has too much drama, and Oz sheds. So my choice is Xander. Of all the characters on that show, I always thought I’d get along best with him. He’s funny, goofy, charming and pretty hot in Season 5. So, Xander.
9. Name your top three snacks ever. There is no going back from this, Alyssa. This is forever.
This is the easiest question by far. I already have a list prepared in my head in case I ever do have to choose for real (please refer to question #1 RE: “prepared”). So here goes:
1) Ice cream (in general). Ice cream is my number one favorite thing on this planet. I literally want to be reincarnated as Dairy Queen.
2) Baked Cheetos. Not regular. Baked. I eat these until I throw up, which makes me one of those rare cases of people suffering from obsessive-compulsive eating disorder and bulimia simultaneously.
3) Tortilla chips and queso. Cutting the roof of my mouth only encourages me to eat FASTER.
10. I think you’re a fantastic writer. What would be your dream writing job? (Besides writing for TheImpersonals.com, of course.)
Thank you! That means a lot coming from you. Hypothetically, my dream writing job would be working for a show like Conan or Ellen. I say hypothetically because I’m not really making any efforts to achieve something like that as of now. But, a somewhat more realistic dream job would be writing TV commercials – only realistic in the sense that I actually have a background in broadcasting and advertising, and am currently enrolled in a graduate program related to that. However, it’s all extremely competitive, so who knows. I also have a background in waitressing and unjamming copy machines.
Holy crap, you guys, someone picked ME to have dinner with! Well, almost. Kind-of. I got a mention anyway. And I’m stoked because I would have dinner with Alyssa anytime. Also, I’m with @kramediggles on the Buffy question. Xander is the clear choice. I mean, Spike would be great for sex and protection and for opening jars with his super vamp strength or whatever but Xander is funny and can put up shelves. (Helloooo? Carpenter!) Plus, he always seems to have beer in his apartment. And, finally,
I think Alyssa would be a great writer of commercials considering I went out and bought 47 chapsticks after reading her answer.
See, don’t you love @kramediggles so so hard now? If you’re not following her, click here and fix that shizit.
Check in next week when I’ll ask another amazing tweeter another 10 questions that will CHANGE THE WORLD.