HELLO. This fall season it is all about being cool. If you do not look cool no one will want to talk to you or be your friend so you’d kind of just be better off dead. Here are my fashion tips for looking like you deserve friendship and life this fall:


You gotta have a motorcycle or you won’t make it through the season without being run over by someone who has their shit together on a badass chopper. You will look like such a delusional piece of trash in your leather jacket and tight black jeans if you do not have an adequately fierce looking bike.


You gotta wear the right chains. They should look like they are from a kiosk inside the mall. Ask the Persian man in charge if he can take them out of the display case so you can feel their weight. Then steal them and make him chase you. Also, have skulls on everything so people think you’ve killed before and have maybe done weird things to human remains.


You gotta start smoking this season. Even if you had every element of this hot fall look but no cigarettes you would look like a fucking idiot who should be beaten, thrown in a dumpster and left to die.


You gotta wear rad lace up boots and aviator sunglasses. You should look like you fly planes in the desert and do mad-reckless spins in the air with regard for no one, even yourself or your family. Actually, you should look like you have no family and were raised in a volcanic cave by an emotionally careless terrorist cell.


You gotta buy a gun and walk around with it in your hand, finger on the trigger at all times. When you inevitably fire a shot by accident, make sure to say something ominous like, “I’M RUNNING OUT OF OPTIONS,” or “THAT’S THE PRICE WE PAY,” while appearing as though you are not only ready for the world to unravel into roving tribes of cannibalistic, incestual barbarians but that you desperately pine for it every waking moment of the day.


To accentuate your hot fall style you should have the dead-eyed, world-weary, downward-cast gaze of someone who has been permanently wrecked mentally, primarily by acid or antipsychotics. Pretend to know a secret that you are forever haunted by. You can do this really easily by watching every FACES OF DEATH video or by doing trembling fistfuls of acid for a few days in an abandoned boxcar or both I guess I don’t really care what happens to you this fall season.


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