It’s officially that time of year where pumpkins claw their way out of Earth’s surface to selfishly govern all flavors, decorations, aromas and foods. You can’t go anywhere during this time of year without seeing the innocent victims of pumpkin tyranny. Just look at Starbucks; it’s like a pumpkin patch vomited everywhere and added 700 calories to everything.
But what we fail to recognize year after year is the devastating toll that our grandiose praise of pumpkins takes on other fruits and vegetables. I recently had the opportunity to speak with a gourd from Paul’s Orchard, and it had a very harrowing perspective.
“It’s like we’re nothing. People just think we’re an odd, penis-shaped fruit with nothing to offer, yet there’s so much people don’t know about us because they’re too busy putting pumpkins in their buttholes.”
The gourd stopped for a moment to collect itself before it continued, “I just want to be noticed…we ALL just want to be noticed. But, instead, we get tossed in a [inaudible, due to sobbing] while pumpkins parade smugly around town with those stupid, toothy smiles.”
It’s true. According to the National Fruit and Vegetable Association for Equal Rights (NFVAER), 98% of people in America are less likely to eat gourd pie than they are to eat pumpkin pie. Janet Gourdlover, a spokesperson from the NFVAER, is concerned for the future of gourds.
“We are very worried, indeed,” said Gourdlover. “People don’t even consider a gourd-flavored candle, or a gourd-spiced cup of coffee. We’re doing all we can to spread awareness, but the suicide rate for gourds has increased exponentially in the last five years.”
A study done in November 2010, resulted that 1 in 4 gourds commit suicide during the months of October and November. When presented with that statistic, the gourd from Paul’s Orchard rolled on its side and exhaled slowly.
“Those are my brothers and sisters,” it quietly whispered. “And I might be next.”
If you or someone you know knows of a gourd contemplating suicide, please
call 1-800-IM-WORTHLESS or visit www.gourdsarefruitstoo.com