How To Avoid A Bear Attack: A Review Of The Great Outdoors

The great outdoors

-What an incredibly misleading name for the outdoors. What is so great about it anyway? Nothing that’s what. I spend the majority of my time outside/outdoors trying, as hastily as possible, to get back indoors. How about calling them “the outdoors; I’d rather be inside.” There are few people, relatively speaking, who actually enjoy the outdoors. The people that do are made fun of behind their backs by the majority of the planet. This is because it seems fundamentally insane to voluntarily want to spend your days outdoors. These people aren’t exactly just sitting outside in a comfortable folding chair, covered in bug repellent and sipping a refreshing beverage. No, outdoorsy people cover themselves in natural materials, stop showering all together, grow out their untamed body hair, and freely throw themselves through a gauntlet of grueling outdoor activities like mounting-climbing, rock-climbing, hiking, hunting and camping. Meanwhile, the sane part of the world enjoys the man-made amenities of modern living.

We, the privileged, no longer have to live outside, or do anything outside for that matter. Unfortunately there are many people who do not share this luxury, but there are extensive charitable organizations, systems and networks devoted to getting people indoors. Not only do people personally not want to be outside, they also are not happy until they know everyone on earth has the opportunity to be indoors.

All modern day technological progressions have been designed to reduce the amount of time we interact with the outside elements. Many millennium ago humanity designed walls to enclose themselves in. Those rudimentary homes have since been perfected and evolved into climate-controlled boxes, protecting us from any unwanted aspect of the outdoors. Modern day plumbing was invented so we didn’t have to void our bowels outside anymore.

The outdoors has graciously provided us with all the sustenance we need to survive and to that we say, “no thanks”. Fresh water is refreshing and sweet, but it is so much nicer running a system of pipes and faucets directly into our cups; it means we don’t have to bare the outdoors. Fruits and vegetables grow naturally outside, but we have them shipped to our indoor grocery store so we can hop in our sealed cars, drive to the store, and purchase these natural wonders without ever having to step into fresh air. We, as a civilized global society, have gone to great lengths to avoid the outdoors and create our own environments suitable to our personal comfort levels.

However, try having this debate with an outdoorsman – it will not go well. They’ll say, “The outdoors is the greatest, man. It’s nature and sublimely beautiful. The natural world is good for your mind, body, and spirit, man. Or something like that. The argument is a trap. Similar to the argument, “if it comes from nature it must be good for you.” My counter-argument: You’re a dumb idiot. There are many, many natural deadly things in nature. How about spiders, poisonous mushrooms, berries, and bears!

My friends just returned from a trip to British Columbia, Canada (the mecca of the outdoors). While on their west coast adventure they decided to take a page out of the book, Into The Wild[1] and climb a mountain peak. Besides almost dying from over-exposure to the sun, a lack of proper food and being 9.5 hours away from the closest water source they also ran into a wild bear. These are the joys the outdoors has to offer: near death experiences.

When was the last time you were sitting in your suburban home, on your plus leather sofa, eating popcorn made using harnessed electricity, enjoying controlled moderate temperature, watching a Blu-Ray on your 50” flat screen and out of nowhere a bear attacks you!?

NEVER! That’s when!

Those things do not happen inside. Experts say the best way to deter a bear from eating the flesh off of your body is to make yourself big and loud, bang pots and pans if you must. I disagree. I advise the best way to avoid a bear attack is to never go outside. Show your gratitude for modern engineering and architecture by staying inside and enjoying the luxuries available to you.


[1] A book about how stupid it is to attempt to do anything outside, in the wild.

 

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