Dear Jon Hamm,
I loved you before the world saw that you have an enormous penis.
I loved you before Betty became Fat Betty.
I loved you before you did a lot of weird sexual intercourse with Kristen Wiig.
I loved you when you were a fetus. LOL, just kidding. Kind of. Sort of.
Sometimes when I watch you on Mad Men, I imagine that I’m one of the women you’re treating poorly and I feel faint- with love. You’re just so sexy, Jon! Like when you threw money in Peggy’s face, I nearly fell off my couch. I was like “Break out the smelling salts!” Okay, I didn’t actually say that. But I thought it. I may even have tweeted it. And I feel like we should talk about the sexual tension you have with Joan. Sometimes when you’re sharing a scene with Joan, I pretend I’m Joan and you’re sharing that scene with me. That’s probably why I started that online petition to convince the writers that the fans need to see Joan and Don have sex.
You’re so sexy, you ruined ham for me.
One time my mom told me she thought you were a very handsome man and I started to cry. She was all “He’s so handsome. I wish I were married to him!” Then I tried to throw myself out of our moving vehicle. She kept talking; she said “I just love his strong chin!” I started banging my head off the dashboard. She continued speaking “I bet he knows what to do in the bedroom!” So then I peed my pants and we had to pull off to the side of the road. I ran into the woods. I am the inspiration for the movie Nell.
I write a lot of fan fiction about you, Jon. It’s really sexy stuff. Sometimes I’m a pirate and you’re the fair maiden that we have stolen from a coastal village. I always loot your booty. It’s great stuff. In some of my most popular pieces, I’m King Kong and you’re Fay Wray. There we are at the top of the Empire State Building. The sexual tension is mounting. I keep pounding on my chest. You scream like a little girl. And then we bang. But, probably my best fan fiction is the one where we’re characters from Lord of the Rings. I’m an Orc and you’re an Ent, but even with the class differences we find a way to love. I’m all “Blow me like the horn of Gondor, Ent!” and you’re like “The trees are moving… in my pants!”
When I see your face, I know what Celine Dion is singing about in all of those songs. I wouldn’t even be surprised if Celine read this letter and then decided to write new songs about you and I. She’ll probably write a Titanic Part 2 song for us! I would never let go, though, Jon. I would never let go.
I want to do a threesome with me, you, and that beard.
I love you more than:
- Barack Obama singing during speeches
- Meryl Streep’s 3 Academy Awards
- anything on this Earth
Well, Jon. I must flee. I was in your apartment earlier placing photoshopped pictures of us around your place and now your doorman is chasing me through the hallways of your building! He’ll never catch me, though. I’ve been working on my cardio!
With all my love, forever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever.
- The future Mrs. Hamm.