@Kendragarden hearts @Ty_Schutz

@Ty_Schutz used to have this psychedelic avi. I really liked that avi. Not just because it made me feel like I was having an acid flashback but also because I could easily spot his tweets when I was scrolling though Twitter. Trust me, you do not want to miss any of Ty’s tweets.

The typical @Ty_Schutz tweet is either crazy relatable (As in you chuckle because you’re all, haha, I do that!) or he’s taken something non-human like a mouse or an apple or a plant and given it human emotions. If my high school English teacher read his tweets, she would squeal, “Anthropomorphism! Genius!” and then throw her high school English teacher panties at him.

Even if you don’t follow Ty, surely you’ve seen some of his tweets before. (If you don’t follow Ty, you need to get on that immediately. Trust me, dumbass.) His tweets are so funny and so smart, they get retweeted constantly. If you follow me, I know you’ve read some. I’ve seen @Ty_Schutz tweets on the little screen in the check out line at my grocery store and a couple weeks back, I saw one on The Ellen Show!

He’s also a Witstream aristocrat and if you need even more Ty, you can find him on Instagram as ty_schutz. Here are three kick-ass tweets by @Ty_Schutz:



I asked Ty 10 questions and got 10 awesome answers. The first 5 are the same questions everyone gets (Check out @TomHanksIsHot’s Twitterview from last week.) The last 5 were just for him. Here we go:

1. What 2 things would you grab from your house during a fire?

I’d go for my Mac and my whiskey. Those two things have consistently been there for me.

2. If I forced you at gunpoint to karaoke with me, what would we sing?

The first duo song that came to me was “Under Pressure.” I’d be Mercury and you’d be Bowie. And I’d be shirtless, naturally.

3. What Twitter person (who you haven’t met yet) would you most like to have dinner with?

Without question @thesulk. Say what you want, but that dude is the reason we all do it. So much humor packed in tight little packages. Another one would be @TheBiggIdea—he’s playful, yet sad.

4. What would you kick someone out of bed for?

Cuddling and cover-hogging. Cuddling is great until you want to go the fuck to sleep. Oh, and if they make fun of my Breathe Right nasal strip.

5. Which fictional character do you most identify with?

I should probably say someone iconic like Biff Loman, Holdon Caulfield, or Indiana Jones. But that’s not my style, so I’ll go with Templeton from Charlotte’s Web. No explanation.

6. You seem like you’re a concert junkie like me. If you could see any band that has ever existed live, who would it be?

Indeed I am, and that is not an easy question. The Rolling Stones in the 1960s would be cool. Also, Queen.

7. So many of your tweets make fun of your mom. Does she know you have a Twitter? If so, what does she think?

She’s known about it for a while. I don’t think she really understands what it’s all about, but it doesn’t matter. Either way, she’s proud of me. I could wipe my ass with an endangered owl, and she’d find a way to brag about it. She’s my biggest fan, and believes I can do no wrong. Therefore, I’m forced to make fun of her.

8. You have to take one of these dudes out for a night of drinking: Dexter, George Costanza or Stewie Griffin. Which one do you take and why? What do you drink?

I like them all, but it’d be super fun to get drunk with George. I like good stories, and he has plenty of those. We’d probably drink fruity martinis.

9. What was your best Halloween costume ever? Worst?

Best: Member of an 80’s hair band. (I somehow had sex that night. (You know, just to keep it authentic.))

Worst: Dog the Bounty Hunter. (I don’t wanna talk about it.)

10. I know you have a job but I sort-of picture you running around being silly all day. You know, like a montage in a Jim Carrey movie where he’s jumping in fountains and throwing giant rubber balls at kids in a toy store. What do you do for a living? Do you do any writing besides Twitter?

My life is kind of like that, but picture Jim Carrey as a stressed twenty-something year-old who drinks too much. For money, I work on cars and have a grandma who loves me. As far as writing goes, like a lot of people on Twitter, I have notebooks full of funny ideas and two unfinished scripts. It’s hard to get motivated when there’s so much TV to watch.


What Ty forgot to mention in the interview is that he’s also working on his PharmD (Doctor of Pharmacy), which is no joke and super cool. I like the thought of him wearing a white coat doling out drugs to bored housewives and old people. I am relieved that I get to be Bowie when we sing “Under Pressure” because I can’t sing as high as Mercury. Also, Templeton?! I’m not exactly sure why that made me laugh but I will forever after think of him as a hungry little rat collecting words for a spider chick. Awesome. But, seriously, how great is @Ty_Schutz?!


Next week I will ask another super swell Twitter person another 10 questions so GET EXCITED!

*Follow @Ty_Schutz on Twitter or I’ll find out about it and we’ll be in a fight. What? You’re only hurting yourself, dude.

Featured Writers

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos is a writer living in Los Angeles who learned at a tender age that if...

Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian who splits her time between her hometown...

Jake Riordan

Jake Riordan

Jake went to college with Impersonals editor Matt Brand, and there was instant...

Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski is a writer, performer and 1,000-year-old dragon that engulfs his...

Listen to The Impersonals Podcast, feat. interviews w great tweeters