Currently writing you from mum’s womb. It’s weird how you can fit a baby laptop in here these days. Science is WEIRD! ; )
Last week mum locked herself in the bathroom playing “Someone Like You” over and over again. I was crying, she was crying; it was a mess. I literally was bawling in the fetal position. If the beginning of the movie “Up” was a song, THIS would be it. I know what you guys are thinking; how have you seen “UP” when you are inside of a stomach? And the answer to that is- OH G2G MOM IS EATING AND OM NOM NOM NOURISHMENT.
Tuesday (5:32 PM)
We still don’t know what sex I am, which is confusing because I don’t know if I am the enemy or not. LOL JK. Mum likes men. Obviously. (BUT SRSLY I HOPE I’M A GIRL CUZ I DON’T WANT HER TO HATE ME AND STUFF – THIS IS OPPOSITE CHINA.) I would sell mum’s afterbirth on EBay to be a girl. LET ME BE A GIRL.
Wednesday (9:35 AM)
Mum and dad have been getting my room ready for when I blow outta this baby factory. I’m glad my mom isn’t a pop star like Lady Gaga, otherwise I fear my room would be decorated with vials of blood & semen. Mum’s more of an Anne Geddes babies-in-pots-cuz-omg-cute type of lady. I wonder if Gaga has pictures of POTS in BABIES… Oh no. I can’t un-see that mental picture.
Plz set fire to my BRAIN.
Thursday (6 PM)
People are worried that mum’s not gonna make another album or whatever because she’s all happy or some rubbish. Don’t worry, every awards show ever. I plan on staging a complete and total mental breakdown in a few years time. Think bald Britney Spears umbrella smash meets Miley Cyrus hash scandal. Should I barf on someone? I feel like I should barf on someone… Or pee on a plane like Gerard Depardieu. Only, you know, I’m a baby and junk… and why did he do that? Right?
I’m pretty pumped to get out of here. All mum has been eating is bacon & peanut butter sandwiches, Toblerone villages and cake in the shape of her ex boyfriend’s face. Between you and I – SHE should be the one wearing a “SPIT HAPPENS” bib. Pull yourself together, girl. We’re in this together. I heard when Katie Holmes was pregs with Suri, Xenu only let her eat Alien testicles. And by Xenu I mean Tom. And by Suri I mean the girl from The Ring.
G2G. Working on my debut album “A Laptop N A-Dell.” Download my singles “Someone Like Goo (Goo Ga Ga)”, “Chasing Cavemens,” and “Groomer Has It (Pet Salon Remix)”
Adele’s Unborn Baby