My husband works in finance. I actually can’t tell you what he does or where he works, because it’s really super important and proprietary. Because he is insanely smart and a little boring, he likes to discuss his job and the finance news of the day at home.* Sometimes he can even connect the finance news of the day to our home lives, which is awesome. However, it is flattering that he thinks I can understand him.**
Fortunately for him, I am cool and talk about interesting things (how fun it would be if we went white water rafting!) when we are at home. Nobody cares about what you read in the Wall Street Journal while you were in the men’s room at work, dude!
Here are a few tips on how to survive these conversations. I’ve drafted a few scenarios so you can memorize them and practice at home. Remember to blink so your spouse knows you are paying attention:
He says: “The jobs report came out today, and it’s not good” (this really happened. He sent me a text that said this once. I assumed it was for someone else, like maybe President Obama?)
You think: What’s a jobs report? Wait, what the hell? Does he have a copy of my yearly review? Did my boss send it to him? Am I fired?
He means: I’m a complete lunatic and I think that this means I will lose my job. Don’t buy anything from anywhere, ever. Don’t use any money in any capacity, and don’t leave the house either. Everyone is going to die. Those better not be new bobby pins in your hair.
He says: “I think we should cut back on the spending a little bit this month”
You think: “Fine, I won’t shave fresh black truffle over your pasta tonight, asshole”
He means: “What’s a black truffle? (looks it up) We’re going to be homeless!”
He says: “Hey, I thought we decided yesterday we were going to cool it on the spending”
You think: “I need Lanvin ballet flats for commuting so I don’t fall on the subway tracks”
He means: “Don’t buy Lanvin ballet flats unless I get caught texting a Thai hooker. I’m mean and evil and I want you to fall down in the subway tracks”
He says: “I think we should investigate blabdedy blahahalekek*** for investment purposes”
You think: “Courtney and Curt just got back from the Amalfi Coast and if we don’t go soon, we won’t have anything to talk about with them, and they will find other friends and we’ll just be alone together forever and I will DIE”
He means: Blabdedy blahahalekek is a great investment. I am so smart, muhahhahahah
He says: “You look nice”
You think: “Who told you I got eyelash extensions? I’ll kill them!”
He means: “You look nice”
* I couldn’t tell you his job title if my life depended on it.
** No, it’s not awesome. Not at all. Two days after we got engaged, Lehman Brothers went under and every time we tell the story of the engagement, he leads with that. His friends grunt in appreciation, and my friends look at me like “what the F?” I don’t know what the F, you guys, I don’t know. He didn’t even work there.
*** I am sorry. I tried really, really hard to remember what he said here, but I can’t. It sounded like “mutual fund” or “cash reserve” or something like that.