Dear Joseph Gordon-Levitt,
We need to stop whatever this is that we’re doing.
We’re madly in love but you keep me at an arm’s length. You’re playing hard to get and it’s so weird.
Remember last week when I showed up outside your house with a boombox and it was playing “In Your Eyes” and then you called the police? What was up with that? As the cops escorted me off your property, even though I tried to explain to them that you must have never seen Say Anything, I was so mad. And I’m not someone you want to make mad, Joseph!
But I’m not.
And who is this tramp? You look pretty repulsed in the picture so I won’t get too mad.
You know, as I think about it now, it’s kind of weird that all of our encounters involve the police. Like, every time I try and make a big romantic gesture! What a strange coincidence! Just last month when I wrote “Love me! Or else!” on your front door in my own blood, the cops showed up almost immediately! I tried to explain to them that in my family writing in your own blood is considered especially romantic but the pigs kept accusing me of being a Manson family copycat. So then I was like, “Smells like bacon in here” and the police officer goes “Yup. We’ve heard that one before, ma’am. Please stop trying to wrestle off your handcuffs off” so I started screaming “Attica! Attica!” And, well, that’s the last thing I remember before I woke up in solitary confinement.
People are always telling me things like “Play it cool” and “If it’s meant to be, it will be” and “Did you really need to tattoo his face on your lower back?” Sometimes I just don’t know how to act around you. Love does crazy things to a person.
Speaking of crazy, I went on this advice website and you will never believe the responses I got. I left a very simple and easy inquiry. It was basically along the lines of “Joseph Gordon-Levitt and I are going to be married and have more children than the Duggars. He just doesn’t know it yet. How do I make him notice me when he doesn’t know I exist (other than knowing me as that lady who keeps trying to break into his house)?” and people were so rude! They were like “u r so dumb & i hope your cat gets aids” and “gurl ur gonna get arrested for being batshit crazy” and “wanna sext”. One rude commenter even told me that what I’m essentially doing is harassing you and I could go to jail for that. And I was like “lol get real smdh”
You know how sometimes you might just be looking out the window and it’s a beautiful summer day and life seems perfect and you know that everything is going to work out? I had that exact same feeling today. I was commenting on pictures of celebrities that aren’t you, and writing about how you’re better and more attractive and talented. And it just felt right. I trolled so many One Direction fans. I kept commenting about how they were all gay for each other and, man, those teen girls (and one weird middle-aged man) got so mad! They said they were going to report me to the cops and I was like “Your mom is fat! I hope you die in a fire!” The best thing is that I can’t even get in trouble because it’s the internet. Lol!
Anyways, I should go. I have a meeting with my lawyer. We’re trying to say that me punching that cashier who didn’t think you were that hot was an act of self-defense and is my constitutional right. I think we’ve got a really good case. If not, what’s three months in jail? It’ll give me time to write you more letters.
Here’s to another 500 days of being in love. Fuck Zooey Deschanel. No, really. Who DOES that? She’s so adorkable it makes me want to barf. Who would ever refuse you?
DIE, ZOOEY, DIE
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Forever yours, no, really, like, forever. And ever. And ever. And ever. And ever.
- The future Mrs. Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
P.S- I’m not a pervert but I even loved you in Angels in the Outfield. But don’t worry, my thoughts about you didn’t get sexy until you hit 18. I’m not gross or anything. I saw that movie and knew we’d be together.