Walking comes pretty easy to most of us. It’s instinctual. We plop out of the womb and eventually figure it out. One foot in front of the other. Get from point A to point B. Simple, right?

For most, very but sadly, not for a select few.

People have places to go and people to see and need to get their promptly. And that’s why I am here to teach the rules of the sidewalk.

Let’s make a list of the worst offenders.

1. Old people

Yes. I get it. You’re old. Your bones are brittle and moving hurts. But, that doesn’t mean that you should just shuffle along before coming to a complete stop right in front of me to catch a breather, adjust your 18 layers of clothing or to look at something that I’m sure you’ve seen a million times before because you’ve been ALIVE FOREVER. Maybe you should get a motorized scooter. Get out of my way.

2. Motorized scooters

There are only two speeds on these things: “Holy shit, slow down” or “crawling snails pace”. To the speed demons, congrats, you’re awesome. Keep it up. To the others, if your legs already didn’t work, I’d break your kneecaps. Get out of my way.

3. Women with baby strollers

Yay, you had sex once and you have physical proof of it! Neat! You don’t need to flaunt it in a $2000 stroller that is 7 feet wide and mostly has your own shit in it. You are not only blocking the entire sidewalk, but you are making my uterus punch my kidneys. Get out of my way.

4. Dog walkers

“Oh, you have a French bulldog? I have a French Bulldog! Let’s stand in the middle of the sidewalk and talk about it!” Stopping mid-sidewalk is the number one Pedestrian no-no. It’s like parking a car in the middle of a freeway. Add an adorable dog, it’s like a fiery 10-car pile-up. Everyone will slow down and want to gawk at it. Add a taut leash and dog shit as possible unwanted obstacles, it’s like shitty Mario Kart. Get out of my way.

5. Slow walking couples holding hands.

Seriously?! I am about to play the best game of “Red Rover”. Get out of my way.

If you aren’t anyone listed above, congratulations! You’ve passed! Continue with what you’re doing. Sidewalks are serious business and have to be treated as such. Maintain speed, merge when needed and respecting other’s space and everyone will get where they need to be when they need to be there.

Or just get a car.

Oh god, someone please buy me a car.


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