How To Watch TV With Your Spouse

Today I spent my lunch break at work losing my shit because I just discovered the show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.  I was especially excited because i knew that my husband would love it.

That’s when I realized I have achieved success in watching TV effectively with my husband.  I have decided to share some of my tips with you.

1. Find shows that showcase BAD relationships:

This is really, really important.  No Desperate Housewives or Barefoot Contessa.  My husband, although outwardly he will say things like “The Real Housewives of (Insert City here) is total garbage,” loves to critique those reality shows for how shitty and doomed the relationships on that show seem, and usually are.  My husband and I watched every season of The Real Housewives of Orange County, and we called the Tamra Barney divorce in Year One. I find it especially helpful to point out to my husband that I didn’t put us in $8 million of bankruptcy (Real Housewives of New Jersey’s Teresa Giudice).  Reasonable amounts of reckless spending on trendy garbage once in a while (shout out to Tracey at Loehmann’s in Chelsea, HEY GIRL!) isn’t so bad, is it?

2. Find shows that showcase ridiculous versions of women (if you’re a girl) or men (if you’re a guy)

This is to highlight how amazing of 1) a person, overall and 2) a life partner that you are.  For example, we loved Being Bobby Brown.  The night Whitney Houston passed away, we were drunk at my father’s 70th birthday party.   I decided that we needed to honor Whitney in our own special way.  For the rest of the night, I screamed “BAAAAAAAAAAAAAHBY*” in my husband’s face at the top of my lungs while he tried to run away from me.**  This undoubtedly made him realize how wonderful of a woman I am when I’m not doing that.

Remember the episode where Whitney made Bobby pull poop out of her butt because she was constipated? SO DO WE!!!!  I’ve never made my husband come into the bathroom with me to help out with any elimination issues.  Just  one of the many reasons our union is strong and holy.

3. Get him/her an iPad or laptop

My husband likes to look at golf putters online while I watch (our) my shows.  But he is totally paying attention and can accurately predict which house the newly married interracial couple from Baltimore is going to pick on House Hunters. He can also contribute to an online thread on which golf courses in the Northeast are being aerated this weekend while someone decides to say yes to the dress.  He is a complete genius, and now I don’t have to worry about cooking my ovaries by resting my laptop on my lap because our children will take after him.

4. Pick the right person

This is going to sound trite, but you should marry someone who lets you watch whatever the fuck you want, at least 50% of the time.  If you didn’t, get out now.  And then come over to my apartment to watch Here Comes Honey Boo Boo with me & my husband!

* In the Bravo show Being Bobby Brown, Whitney had a habit of screaming BOBBY! -very loudly.  It sounded like this:  BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHBY!  Please YouTube it immediately, and re-read this post so that you’ll laugh when you read it. 

**Too soon? Sorry.  

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