mars-rover_goes_deepest_end

Sunday, August 6th, 2012, the whole world watched as a robot called Curiosity was successfully placed on that gassy shitstorm of a planet we’ve come to call “Mars”. It was one for the history books, indeed. Here I have compiled a list of potential outcomes, near and far future, from further Mars exploration:

  • Countless Martians complain on their work IM that they missed Breaking Bad to see the stupid Curiosity Rover. Message boards go berserk over lack of spoiler warnings, something Mars has never dealt with before. Once a peaceful place, the red planet is torn by war.
  • There are at least several racist Martians complaining that if they allow humans to place a robot on their planet, next “those people” will probably want to move in and drag down the property values.
  • Several anti-human groups are already lobbying against the “Earthling onslaught”. There is already a piece of legislation circling that would establish segregated—human and non-human—oxygen tubes.
  • One Martian leader approaches Earth as a diplomat offering us plentiful jobs in Mars’ flourishing industry. In our failing global economy, it isn’t an offer many of us can pass up. In fact, we gleefully accept and climb aboard the ships back to the burning planet. Upon arrival we realize we’ve been duped and finish out our hellish lives in slavery.
  • There seems to be an increase in the production of space blankets laced with an advanced imaginogeneratative oxygen virus or IGOV, a sickness that causes human bodies to generate whatever their minds imagine. In most cases it’s just food or freakishly large genitalia the body can’t support the weight of and collapses until death.
  • Over hundreds of years of civil rights struggles humans will achieve someone “equal” status on Mars while most Martians are barely tolerant and will never see us as equal through their five eyes, some will accept humans with open arms and weird tentacle appendages.
  • In a Martian-on-the-Mobius-strip interview, Xglr-Wrxl was quoted as saying “I don’t care what they do as long as they keep it away from me, ya know? Like, I don’t hate ‘em or nothin’. I just wouldn’t be too enthused if my kid brought one home to dinner.” [translated by AP]

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