When I first moved to Toronto in November of 2011, I had planned on having just one roommate. Since living here, I have acquired over one hundred (and counting.) All of them (aside from the original roommate) are lazy, don’t do dishes and do not clean up after themselves. Here are my reviews based on true events.
Not since that time I almost drowned in a lake (I forgot my arm floaties) have I been as scared as when I first saw you. Like a creepy moustache that had fallen off of a super villain’s upper lip, you crawled your way around the perimeter of my furniture-less bedroom. How many legs do you guys have? Actually don’t answer that. The skin on my body is comfortable where it is. Could you just NOT hide in my towels though? As flattered as I am that you want to be AS CLOSE AS POSSIBLE to my naked body, I just think all of this is moving a little fast.
… Anyway, I’m giving you a 4.5/5 on the creepiness scale. With more legs than a war veteran with back up prosthetics, you both terrify and baffle me. Crawl on, little gentleman.
2. Potato Bugs (AKA “Roley Poleys”)
Guys. Why are you always on your backs? How do you fall over so easily? There is no air flow in this basement apartment and your legs are too small to stumble on. GET. IT. TOGETHER. I was super creeped out when I first saw you, but now you’re constantly upside down, legs flailing about like an overboard sailor.
Bless your disgusting hearts.
If you could stand up right for longer than two seconds, I would be mildly afraid of you. Until then, I’m about as scared of you as I am kittens wearing mittens.
3. The Spider with Thick Legs Behind the Toilet
Holy shitballs. Didn’t see you there! How long have you been living there and do you conquer 50 squats a day? I thought UFC was just a human sport. As far as terrifying bugs go, you made my trip to the washroom unnecessary. Thanks, pal! Even my roommate who kills at least a thousand bugs a day for me had to fashion a killing device out of a paper towel roll, toilet paper and an elastic band so as not to get too close. Rest in peace, by the way. I’ll never forget the way you made my insides feel like a jar of spoiled mayonnaise.
4. The Monster Beetle that was In My Hair
Sorry about screaming loudly and chucking you across the room, bro. See what happened was, I thought you were a bobby pin that was falling out of my hair – and when you moved in my hand when I went to fix it, my skin felt like it was being violated by a Mexican security guard. You understand. Well done on the fright execution by the way! I would never suspect my hair as your preferred place of rest. When you landed on the floor after my hand catapulted you there, you really did scar me for life. I considered shaving my head!
5/5 SIR. WELL DONE!
What are you going to do, make me red & itchy? You’re the HPV of the bug world – nothing a little cream won’t fix.