3 Quick Tips For Job Hunters

If it’s hard out there for a pimp, imagine how hard it is out there for someone who doesn’t supervise young women, that are VERY hands on in the field, working in salacious recreation (with experience in debt collection).

The economy sucks and jobs are few and far between. Especially straight out of college, no matter what your degree, you’re pretty much looking at a part time gig at Kinkos (if you’re lucky).

College is basically just paying $80,000 to learn how to be a functioning alcoholic. While you may have learned a thing or two in your field, you mostly just learned how to kiss ass and pull off a decent paper with a six hour deadline and a tequila hangover.

Guaranteed ways of getting a job after college:

1: Lying -with style

Technically all out lying on your resume can get you into a lot of trouble, but it’s all about the semantics. The fine print of how you word things to make yourself sound far more important than you are. Example:

Truth: I created and tested systems
Resume lie: Designed, developed, and analyzed systems.

I call this the “Does this make me look fat?” of resumes. Just like when your girlfriend asks that loaded question & your brain is flashing “LIE, LIE, LIE”, your resume is sending off those same reactions. If you’ve told a girl you had an eight inch penis (and you know you have), what’s the difference in telling an employer you were upper management for a few years? Lying about work history on your resume is the “I have a 12 inch dick, baby” of the employment world

2: Sex -it runs the world

Sex sells. Sex also can be used as a way to get hiring managers to remember you best out of all the people they interviewed for a position. Qualifications can only get you so far, education has become a dime an in debt dozen, but fucking the hiring manager on top of their desk while quoting 50 Shades of Grey is showing not only passion, but dedication and drive.

3: Blackmail/Death threats

I’m a firm believer of when all else fails, break a kneecap. Maybe it’s the Irish rage I have or all the Grand Theft Auto I used to play, but few things motivate people like fear. Bribery will only get you so far (and let’s be honest, if you’re looking for work, you probably don’t have much cash and $30 and your Panera card won’t seal the deal) and some people, for some fucking reason, can’t be bought. But, even do-gooders have a healthy fear of being eaten by robot sharks or you releasing the video from Spring Break 1997 where they sang Savage Garden’s “To The Moon and Back” at karaoke.

On a closing note: remember that anything you can’t lie or sex your way out of can be solved with violence.

Featured Writers

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos is a writer living in Los Angeles who learned at a tender age that if...

Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian who splits her time between her hometown...

Jake Riordan

Jake Riordan

Jake went to college with Impersonals editor Matt Brand, and there was instant...

Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski is a writer, performer and 1,000-year-old dragon that engulfs his...

Listen to The Impersonals Podcast, feat. interviews w great tweeters