public transit

Here’s another installment of my advice column for strangers who are just minding their own business on the subway and me, judging them, their appearance and their life choices. And by judging, I mean helping.

Young Unaccompanied Child:

In my opinion, you are too young to ride alone. There are a ton of huge creeps and perverts out there who also can’t afford a car in this city. Maybe I should try to kidnap you to teach your parents a lesson? But I’m late for an appointment and my apartment is kind of messy.

Minor Canadian Celebrity:

Congrats on that three episode arc on Degrassi as the pregnant AIDS infected 9th grader. Now get your purse off the fucking seat beside you so I can sit down.

Woman With Super Long Hair

I bet that took your whole life to grow your hair that long. Congratulations on actually following through on something because you look like the kind of girl who hasn’t finished an entire book in years. But, really, all I’m wondering is how many times you’ve accidentally pissed on your own hair. I’d say it’s at least 20.

Little Girl Licking The Handrail

Does it tastes how a penny smells? This is a good way to give yourself herpes before your boyfriend gives it to you later in life. But, you seem like the kind of person who won’t be able to handle a real relationship in the future. Sure, you’re only 5, but I can just tell these things. But, at least if you keep this up, you’ll be very good at oral. And that’s really all that matters.

Really Old Man Who May Or May Not Be Masturbating

It’s nice that you got out of the house today. It’s also nice that you can still get a hard-on. As grossed out as I am, I am proud of you because you’ve maintained this erection longer than half my ex-boyfriends. Keep it up.

Teenager Rolling A Joint

Either you’re desperate or looking for attention. But golly gee, look how badass you are. “Fuck the police/society/social norms”, you say, “I’m using the back of my skateboard to roll this marijuana cigarette! I’m a rebel! HUZZAH!”  I’m sorry, but this isn’t impressing anyone. This also didn’t impress anyone in the 1980′s. Light that motherfucker up on the train? Now, that’s a different story. Gimme a call when you move out of your parents house and work at a place that doesn’t rhyme with “Shmarby’s”

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