563516_740475733877_1658055807_n

I never get letters from my ex girlfriends. But if I ever did, I’m sure they would read something like this…

Chris-

Hi! How ARE things with you?! OMG you’re married!! Do you like it? Congratulations to the both of you! I’m sure she’s lovely. And patient. HA! Kidding. Do you ever think about all the fighting we used to do?? It was ridiculous. I’m SO SO sorry—I think I was a little emotionally immature and wasn’t ready for you? I was just a dumb 22 year old with a perfect body.

Marriage must be so hard and stressful.  I’ve always thought that if I ever get married and have kids I’d run marathons and do lots of hot yoga to stay in insane shape. I’m already passionate about physical flexibility and endurance anyway, so it wouldn’t be a stretch ;) . Your wife probably does all that stuff too, so you know what I mean.

Me? Ugh. Just broke up with a guy who didn’t ‘get me’ in bed, if you know what I mean. (That never was a problem with YOU, btw). So I’m just spending a lot of time alone and bored and…. anyway. Like I said, lots of hot yoga. I have no idea when I’ll meet somebody worth indulging in, but I’m sure he is going to LOVE being handed a sexually frustrated 30-something to play with. Ew. Wait. That didn’t come out right. Or maybe it did. Whatevs.

I’m drinking wine right now, can you tell? Wine is like my new best friend. I mean, aside from my real best friend Angela. Remember Angela? We’ve kissed each other a whole bunch this year, probably because of this relationship stress I’m under. But you don’t want to hear stories about two girls kissing. Anyway,we were just talking about you the other night stalking your Facebook and Twitter (more wine!). Love love LOVE your posts. God! You’re so funny! I think people totally underestimate how sexy a sense of humor is, don’t you??

OK, I’m gonna run. Well, I already ran. I did like 8 miles in this crazy heat. So sticky and nasty. I’m sitting here in these sweaty running shorts writing you this letter—I guess it just couldn’t wait. Anyway, I’m going to take a shower now, is what I meant. I’m super sweaty and salty from the run. You should see my hair—it’s a tangled mess. OMG I’m still searching for the perfect leave-in conditioner! Remember you used to say that all the time?! HA! OK one more thought real quick while the shower is getting all steamy—remember I used to say things like “Ew, gross!” whenever dildos and vibrators came up in conversation? Well, let me just say SOMEBODY has changed her position on THAT topic! Does your wife use one? Oh, I guess not, if you’re there with her. Or maybe you use it together. Anyway, mine’s waterproof!! Shower’s ready. Gotta run. Byeeeee.

I seriously hope everything is good and you’re happy.

Kelly

P.S. According to your fb pics, you seem to have some weird disease where you get better looking every year? Hugs!

Featured Writers

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos is a writer living in Los Angeles who learned at a tender age that if...

Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian who splits her time between her hometown...

Jake Riordan

Jake Riordan

Jake went to college with Impersonals editor Matt Brand, and there was instant...

Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski is a writer, performer and 1,000-year-old dragon that engulfs his...

Listen to The Impersonals Podcast, feat. interviews w great tweeters