Four Loki

Four Loko is a perfect storm. For those not familiar with the beverage, Four Loko primarily consists of vodka, malt liquor and whatever chemicals make fruit punch, all served in a standard Arizona Iced Tea-sized can. This highly controversial “drank” has several different recipes, just to adhere to local alcohol regulations. Canadian Loko is different than American Loko, and even that changes from state to state. Plus it’s really colorful, so infants dig it.


Four Loko, like many other poisons, is delicious at first taste. Soon you’ll realize that each sip is just Colt .45 floating on a wave of Tahiti Treat, but by then it is too late. Four Loko takes over. All other beverages/foods/significant others quickly pale in comparison. You are now on the Loko-Motive.

The sugar-high masks your intoxication level, so much so that it almost killed a guy at Central Washington University! I drank three of them on Saturday!

Inexplicable Actions:

From personal experience, it is clear that Four Loko has a profound effect on me and those in my close proximity, but only for short periods of time.

Let’s say you’re half-way through your first can – next thing you know, you and your friends are jumping off counters and you’re slamming the microwave door to the beat of a Daft Punk song. Twenty minutes later, your friends are calmly sitting on the couch and you’re making pasta for everyone.

Let’s say you have a can or two with some old friends. Next thing you know, you’re drinking shots out of a satellite dish that you just ripped off your buddy’s roof. Twenty minutes later, you’re gingerly riding your bike home in a light rain, as if nothing happened.

Pictured: My Hand

Side Effects:

I’m fairly certain Four Loko is a Class II Narcotic, but the only side effect is mild injuries to your hands.


Four Loko might be the best thing to ever happen to you. You will comprehend things you’ve only imagined. You’ll be like John Travolta in ‘Phenomenon’. You’ll understand Southern Rap. You’ll be really funny in a facebook thread. We here at The Impersonals highly recommend Four Loko -just don’t get any on your skin or lips.


Featured Writers

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos

Ray Ramos is a writer living in Los Angeles who learned at a tender age that if...

Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey

Monica Heisey is a writer and comedian who splits her time between her hometown...

Jake Riordan

Jake Riordan

Jake went to college with Impersonals editor Matt Brand, and there was instant...

Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski

Jeff Wysaski is a writer, performer and 1,000-year-old dragon that engulfs his...

Listen to The Impersonals Podcast, feat. interviews w great tweeters